IT IS POSITIVE!

So... you're sitting in front of your health worker and there's two lines on your rapid HIV test or there's a positive, possibly circled on your blood test result from the lab. Even though you can see it, because one thing I know is that we're told before testing what a positive and negative result will look like but still, you want the health worker to tell you. And in telling you, you're still hoping they will say you're HIV negative. But nope, that's not the news they give to you.

Now, you'd think that there's a standard line they're supposed to say when they give a positive result. A line like in those call centers where an operator will be like 'thank you for calling so and so company, my name is Pumza. How may I be of assistance to you' and if you get this wrong you could get into trouble with your employer. Its not the same on subjects like these hey. You may get the one who'll be sympathetic and sort of counsel you before even giving you the result. Then you get the one who'll be arrogant and be like 'I already told you what it'll look like when it's positive. So here, you see? You'll have to start treatment immediately'. And then there's the scared one, worried even. To a point that they can't find words to tell you so they just show it to you and wait for your response before they say a word. Its like their action will be determined by your response.

Whichever way the health worker chooses to break the news to you. The most important thing is how YOU take the news. Its inevitable that you will be shocked and it doesn't matter if you've heard that your partner's ex died from HIV related illnesses a month ago. You will still be shocked because no-one really waits to be diagnosed with HIV. The second common reaction is a million questions running through your mind. Where and when and from whom did I get it? Did they know they had it? Was it on purpose that they infected me? What am I gonna do? What will my parents, siblings, children and even the partner say when I tell them? Who will want me now? Will I ever have children? How long do I have before this thing eats me up (still with ARVs in place people still worry). They play a circus in your mind and you never find answers, even for the questions with answers. They just don't pop up because you're so confused and hurt and even angry.

What I've learned from my journey with HIV and also sharing with other people who have been diagnosed is that acceptance starts with YOU. Not your partner or parents or children or friends. Their acceptance is secondary. Its important to accept and love yourself HIV positive and all. Once you accept your status it will be easier for you to forgive yourself because another major problem is continuous self blame. You start having the should haves and shouldn't haves. The bottom line is that whatever it is that you should or shouldn't have done didn't happen that way. Right now you have an HIV positive test and a life to make a decision on. And the only person who can make an informed and best decision is you, a sober you at it too.

The following may help in those first few minutes to days

Cry your heart out if you need to. I cried mna shem right in front of the Dr and he gave me time to cry until I was finished and we continued with the talk.
Never be afraid to ask questions from the health worker. Its their duty to inform you. Ask as much as you can, enough to help you leave with something positive to ponder on.
If you have never learned anything about HIV, start now. Google is the best place to start.
Find someone trustworthy to share this with. Someone you know will understand. Strangers who are also HIV positive are most of the time the best to start with.
Last but not least, pray about it. Tell God about it and how you feel. And He will know what to do.

What happens from the moment of your diagnosis is totally dependent on YOU and what you want with your life.

RECENTLY DIAGNOSED WITH HIV?

RECENTLY DIAGNOSED WITH HIV?

Well, I can't say I know exactly how you feel because I don't. I may have an idea because 17 years ago I sat in front of my Dr as he broke the news that I was HIV positive. And one thing I'm sure of is that my reaction is different from yours and someone else's. The emotions I went through and the thoughts that went through my mind are not the same as yours or someone else's. They may be similar but not the same. You see, we all have different thoughts and perspectives about something until it happens to us. Some of us would have thoughts about a situation before it even hits home but just by seeing other people going through it and how they handle it. Some shy away from the fact that it may happen to them so they don't even bother paying attention.

When I was diagnosed in 2001 I was pregnant and had recently buried my cousin who died from HIV related illnesses. For me being HIV positive meant that I was finally facing up to the music of having unprotected sex. Not that I deserved it, no I don't believe I did just as much as I don't believe that anyone deserves this illness despite their lifestyle. In my mind I knew that I have in my time had unprotected sex with someone whose HIV status was unknown to me and because of that decision, whether it was a spur of the moment or planned; bottom line is that some dude infected me with HIV and in my case it was at my consent.
I don't know how you contracted HIV but I believe that the first step to accepting your status is to acknowledge how you contracted the virus and try to deal with that before trying to deal with the virus itself. We have different experiences on HIV and I won't even begin to attempt to understand how a person who was infected through rape or transfusion or an unfaithful partner feels about their infection.

HIV in itself is not a threat to us. What threatens our peace of mind and emotional state is how we deal with the infection. What it means to us and what we do with the emotions that come with that line from the health worker which says "you're HIV positive".

This is the first and hopefully first of many blogs I will be writing on living mentally and spiritually positive with HIV. I want us to engage on the emotional and spiritual challenges we go through from the day of our diagnosis.

My realization is that our struggle with HIV is no longer physical, its emotional and spiritual. Let's fight it together.

So, if you've recently berm diagnosed with HIV, allow me to walk this journey with you. I'm not promising to have all the answers but I promise to share my experiences with and find those answers together.

#HopeRestored

Next blog - HOW TO ACCEPT YOUR DIAGNOSIS?

1. You know when you're going through something and someone just comes and adds on to your stress or misery and you be like "I Sooooo don't need this on top of all I'm going through right now". And you just want to run and lock yourself up and not have to deal with anyone just in case they add on to your troubles? Well... that's what discrimination does to HIV positive people. We have so much to deal with already without having people add on. While we manage our illness the best we could. Its inevitable to think intensely about stuff. Like 'I wonder if I'll live to be 60', 'I need life insurance', 'I wonder if I'll ever have children', 'what will happen to my kids if I ever get sick', 'how do I tell my.......'

HIV does change a person's life. There are things that could have been easy to do or acquire but now they're close to impossible. That alone is enough to set a person on a slow train to a painful and depressive place. But we accept, we strive, we move on and we grow from strength to strength. We carry the load the best we can and walk with our heads held high, to a place of hope and freedom. And that walk, that walk is the most fulfilling... well until someone drops the discrimination bomb on us. They be like...

2. 'She's unclean'. Unclean your heels. Like seriously :O ? Maybe you should look in the mirror before calling someone unclean, especially because of an illness. Really now! And its unfortunate that our Christian community still struggles to believe that the blood of Jesus that has cleansed them of their sins has the power to save and heal an HIV positive person and cleanse them just as much. Its great for us to know that the blood of Jesus does not discriminate.

3. I know what you did. You've been having sex and now you have AIDS. Well, AIDS your foot. I had sex nangok and I contracted HIV so what? That makes you better than me? Oho! Does that really give you the license to judge me? Shame on you. While MY infection was sexual, someone else's thoughts on the matter don't bother me one bit. However, some people were raped and contracted HIV, some were faithful wives sitting at home waiting for their husbands, some were innocent children born of HIV positive mothers, some were accidental infections. And wena you find it fitting to place everybody under the same umbrella and judge and discriminate. Mnxim

4. It could be the very same person you were nasty to because of their HIV status that will come to your aid. Whether through you being affected or infected. I know, I've been there. I've had people, some closest to me gossiping about me, some even predicting my soon coming sickness and death but I'm still standing. And as I stand, I am rendering HIV support to them and their loved ones. Some have found me to be the only person they can disclose to, and I understand shem, how do you disclose the very same thing you've been gossiping about in someone else's life to the very same people you were gossiping to? That will mean whatever names you called the others by apply to you too. AmaXhosa athi 'unyawo alunampumlo'

5. Your attitude can change a life, it may increase a life span, it may boost someone's confidence... it may save a life. While we can't do anything to change our HIV statuses, you changing your attitude may do a whole lot more good for many. Change your attitude, change a life.

6. The scars left by stigma are deeper than the scars caused by HIV itself. Have a heart, heal a soul... end the shame. It really does start with you...

#letstalkhiv