IT IS POSITIVE!

So... you're sitting in front of your health worker and there's two lines on your rapid HIV test or there's a positive, possibly circled on your blood test result from the lab. Even though you can see it, because one thing I know is that we're told before testing what a positive and negative result will look like but still, you want the health worker to tell you. And in telling you, you're still hoping they will say you're HIV negative. But nope, that's not the news they give to you.

Now, you'd think that there's a standard line they're supposed to say when they give a positive result. A line like in those call centers where an operator will be like 'thank you for calling so and so company, my name is Pumza. How may I be of assistance to you' and if you get this wrong you could get into trouble with your employer. Its not the same on subjects like these hey. You may get the one who'll be sympathetic and sort of counsel you before even giving you the result. Then you get the one who'll be arrogant and be like 'I already told you what it'll look like when it's positive. So here, you see? You'll have to start treatment immediately'. And then there's the scared one, worried even. To a point that they can't find words to tell you so they just show it to you and wait for your response before they say a word. Its like their action will be determined by your response.

Whichever way the health worker chooses to break the news to you. The most important thing is how YOU take the news. Its inevitable that you will be shocked and it doesn't matter if you've heard that your partner's ex died from HIV related illnesses a month ago. You will still be shocked because no-one really waits to be diagnosed with HIV. The second common reaction is a million questions running through your mind. Where and when and from whom did I get it? Did they know they had it? Was it on purpose that they infected me? What am I gonna do? What will my parents, siblings, children and even the partner say when I tell them? Who will want me now? Will I ever have children? How long do I have before this thing eats me up (still with ARVs in place people still worry). They play a circus in your mind and you never find answers, even for the questions with answers. They just don't pop up because you're so confused and hurt and even angry.

What I've learned from my journey with HIV and also sharing with other people who have been diagnosed is that acceptance starts with YOU. Not your partner or parents or children or friends. Their acceptance is secondary. Its important to accept and love yourself HIV positive and all. Once you accept your status it will be easier for you to forgive yourself because another major problem is continuous self blame. You start having the should haves and shouldn't haves. The bottom line is that whatever it is that you should or shouldn't have done didn't happen that way. Right now you have an HIV positive test and a life to make a decision on. And the only person who can make an informed and best decision is you, a sober you at it too.

The following may help in those first few minutes to days

Cry your heart out if you need to. I cried mna shem right in front of the Dr and he gave me time to cry until I was finished and we continued with the talk.
Never be afraid to ask questions from the health worker. Its their duty to inform you. Ask as much as you can, enough to help you leave with something positive to ponder on.
If you have never learned anything about HIV, start now. Google is the best place to start.
Find someone trustworthy to share this with. Someone you know will understand. Strangers who are also HIV positive are most of the time the best to start with.
Last but not least, pray about it. Tell God about it and how you feel. And He will know what to do.

What happens from the moment of your diagnosis is totally dependent on YOU and what you want with your life.