As more and more people are contracting HIV. I am happy to announce that I have conquered it and will endeavour to maintain that negative status as long as I draw breath.
My name is Pumza Mooi. And I am HIV negative J
I was diagnosed with HIV on the 22 March 2001. At the time, I was pregnant with my first child. The routine tests normally conducted on pregnant women showed that I had tested positive for HIV antibodies and therefore a more sensitive HIV test was conducted which gave confirmed the result. (See attached).
Hearing that you are HIV positive is never easy to take. So many thoughts go through one’s mind like they did in mine. What is funny is that I found myself asking myself “how could I have gotten it”… really now, I am the one who had unprotected sex. So why even ask such a question with such an obvious answer? I guess really my mind went a bit blank for a while there. Tears started rolling down my eyes when the thought of my parents came to my mind. Yes, how do I tell them that their only daughter, their only child is HIV positive AND pregnant? I mean, my parents could have believed that I was a virgin as long as there was no evidence of sexual activity. Now it’s not only one but two exhibits that I wasn’t … What made it harder to think about my parents was that a cousin of mine had just died from AIDS and my mother felt compelled to make a heart-breaking plea with me to be careful because she had just realised that HIV/AIDS is real. I couldn’t listen to the Doctor anymore; I couldn’t talk much either so the Doctor suggested a moment to gather up strength. I had to make one of the most crucial decisions of my life. So I left his office, cried my heart out and returned with a clearer mind. We went straight to the point, with “the sooner the better “approach. The Doctor informed me of my options regarding the pregnancy, which were either to abort or keep the baby. He said that if I wanted to abort, then the sooner we did it the better… He also informed me that there is no guarantee that the baby will be HIV negative but with treatment and technology, the chances are pretty good. Now, with the relationship not being a “serious “one and seeing that having a child was never in my life plans, it would have been a good idea for me to opt for the abortion but I couldn’t. So right there and there, I opted to keep the baby and follow all the necessary precautions to make sure the chances of MTCT were minimal.
My pregnancy was normal and interesting and my baby was born on 18 October 2001. I gave her the name Bomibam because had it not been for her birth I wouldn’t have known my HIV status and would have continued with my life of unprotected sex and drinking. And God knows where that would have led me.
What I learned during my time with HIV is that I had to make choices that would be good for me and ensure long life. I also learned that support from loved ones go a long way. Most importantly, I learned that what I become is all dependant on me in my choices and my decisions. So I started making some major decisions about my life with the hope that they were the right ones and that they would have acceptable consequences.
Now, going back to the day of the diagnosis. Leaving the Doctor’s rooms, I asked myself who’s the first person I would tell. I just had to get it out of my chest (I’m loose like that, can’t keep my secrets bottled up inside). So I sms’d my best friend who was living with me at the time. I couldn’t bring myself to telling her over the phone or in person. Maybe I wasn’t ready to hear the shock in her voice or see it in her eyes. Ok, maybe I also didn’t want the people in the taxi to hear my not so good news. So, after giving her a few moments to digest the news, I called her. All I could her was her crying softly. The only words that could come out of her mouth were “oh my friend… noba kwenzeka ntoni, yazi ukuba mna ndiyakuthanda tshomam vha! And HIV is normal my friend akhonto, uzobaright”. A relief is what I felt, though I was not really sure of the response I expected or even desired. I myself was still a bit shocked. I mean, who could it have been? Did he know he had it? Did he purposely infect me? My heart just longed to be home, with the person who seemed to accept me and understand. When I got home, I was welcomed by a long, warm and loving hug. And those words were repeated again “Ndiyakuthanda tshomam”. I realised then that I was still me, Pumza Mooi. Nothing has been removed from me. And I took a decision there and then that nothing will be. Telling my mother was easier than I thought it would be. When she came to help me with the baby, I told her. And I was kinda waiting for her to cry but she didn’t. She looked at me and held in her arms so tight and just uttered the words “I love you”. She confessed later than she gathered her strength from me. When she saw how strong I was, she saw no reason to worry. After telling my mom, it was easier to share with other friends. And I am blessed in that they accepted me and life just moved on.
I knew that HIV had a stigma. I knew that it didn’t discriminate in infecting and therefore it won’t in discrimination. I knew that I would have to deal with negative and judgemental people. I knew that hey… everyone will know for sure that I was not a virgin (Eish!). But then, people will always be people. They have their own minds and opinions. Some are not scared to speak them out even when not asked. And sometimes, their opinions can be heart piercing. At the end of the day, I had to make the decision about how all this will affect me. In fact, the decision I had to make was how I will allow it to affect me. And so I made a declaration, that “HIV will NOT kill me”. At the time, I had no idea how much power my mind had. To me, that was just a choice; it was either that or die. And I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live.
I didn’t know much about HIV. And already I had heard that I needed to make some changes in my life. So the next step was to change my diet and lifestyle. This was an impossible mission which I gave up on before I even started. Now, with my inability to ingest vegetables and loving sweets and junk food, it became more frustrating to even think about changing my eating habits. And being pregnant didn’t make it any easier to adopt new eating habits. Fortunately, I had stopped drinking because of the pregnancy so that was one toxic substance less. After reading up on some HIV material and discovering the importance of vitamins and minerals, I opted for vitamin and mineral supplements. If anyone abused vitamin supplements, it was me. And for some reason I really enjoyed taking them. Taking about 10 tablets a day was kinda cool. I really got used to them quick.
I journeyed through the days, the months and years with the thought in my mind that I will not be killed by HIV. Whatever I did or did not do, my mind was strong in that it will just not have the satisfaction of taking my life. As I journeyed through, talking and being open about my status. It became easier for people (friends) to confide in me. And in sharing my experience and helping others cope with theirs. I became a stronger person. Somehow, I knew that God had a purpose for me, for my life in all this. And as much as I didn’t know then what it was all about. I had made a decision to stay positive about my status.
One of the things that are always said when dealing with HIV is that “life goes on, and as normal as possible”. And yes, I went on with life and in a normal way. I came across challenges like any other human being. I must confess though I was kinda scared of getting into a romantic relationship. And the fear was not much of being rejected but that it felt like I would be asking too much of a person to expect them to take a risk with his life. Which is why I came to the decision that when someone approaches me with the intention of engaging into a relationship, I would tell him first hand so that he may make an informed decision as to continue or bail out. What I found interesting here is that most of my friends, some even HIV positive were against this. With a notion that I should only tell a man my status when I see that the relationship is getting somewhere. This didn’t really make sense to me; it just felt like I would be deceiving the person. I mean surely, to see the seriousness of the relationship there has to be some degree of trust, love and maybe even intimacy between the two people. So, how then is hiding such an important aspect of one’s life a reward for someone else’s commitment? So it became my priority to be open and honest about my status to anyone who needed to know (well some didn’t need to). In all this, I was blessed with a husband and I had my second child in my marriage. Glory be to God that both my children and ex-husband are HIV negative.
You just gotta love men! The one thing I always preached was that I didn’t want to be treated differently. I wanted to be treated as normal as possible because I was normal. I didn’t want any special attention because of my status. And yes, that’s exactly what I got. In my 10 years of living with HIV, not once did HIV be a reason for me to see no reason for living. But somehow, the depression I fell into due to other challenges of my life namely men and my being a single mother and not coping well led me to attempting suicide a couple of times. Even during those times, it never crossed my mind to use HIV as an excuse. It had become part of me. What I find interesting is that in my sane state of mind, HIV was the one thing that kept me going, gave me the will to live. I wanted to conquer it. I wanted to be a difference.
The mind is a powerful weapon when used in a right way. I didn’t know the strength I had; I didn’t know the power my mind had. I didn’t know that my positive attitude towards HIV could lead me to where I am today. Though I may not have made positive choices regarding my lifestyle and my emotional affairs. My stance regarding HIV was clear and it stood. HIV will not kill me. It is easy for some to change eating habits and start gym and getting all healthy and fit. But even that lifestyle, without the right frame of mind, won’t bring maximum results. It is like praying with a doubtful heart. With your mouth you are asking God to grant you your wish and in your heart you are sure that it is impossible. To me, HIV became more of a mind battle than of the body. It didn’t affect my body much because I never allowed it to affect my mind.
Our South African HIV campaign “Scrutinise” has a slogan “FLIP HIV to HI VICTORY”. So I decided to look up the word “victory “and what it really means. It means “the defeat of an enemy in battle”, “a successful ending of a struggle”. So what did it mean to have victory over HIV? To me, it meant total and complete healing. It has been and still is said that HIV is an incurable disease and that there is no cure for it yet. But I know a Healer, Who is able to heal any disease. So I decided to take Him up on His word. The word that He heals and I called on the name of Jesus in faith that He will heal me of HIV. I confessed so many times that I have been healed of HIV. I sounded really arrogant to some, to some even down right stupid. When I went to my Doctor to have my routine tests, I told her with a huge smile on my face that I was now HIV negative but the test revealed that I was still positive. That didn’t shake me because in my heart I believed that I had been healed. It was exciting; it was really a great feeling. I got to a point where I saw the virus like a scar left in my blood system by a disease that once lived in my body. You know, like when one has a scar after a healed operation. That’s how I saw it.
In January 2011 I changed Doctors and started seeing a specialist in chronic illnesses. She is a born again Christian. I told her what I had been praying for, that I believed God for my healing and we agreed that it was done. We did the routine tests and they revealed a very low viral load and a high CD4 count, which has always been the case since I tested positive. She then recommended I do another HIV test. The one conducted for children when born of HIV positive mother. She advised me that it was the most sensitive of all. On the 22nd February, I received my results with HIV negative. Even today, I cannot express the gratitude and excitement I felt at that moment which I still do. I was healed of HIV. I am healed of HIV.
So, I say… I was never an HIV victim, nor was I an HIV survivor. I have always been an HIV conqueror and still remain one. I flipped HIV to HI victory with the name of Jesus.
Stay blessed
P
