It is harder the second time around

It was on this day, in 2011, that I received the news that I was HIV NEGATIVE. Now this is after having lived with the virus since 2001. I was diagnosed with HIV on 20 March 2001, and almost 10 years later... there I was, HIV negative. Now, if that was not enough to send anyone screaming for joy, crying and shaking all over, I don't know what would. If that was not a testimony worth sharing with the world through every medium possible, I don't know what is.

I was excited and overjoyed. Nothing in this world could even begin to describe how happy I was. Don't get me wrong, I was content with my HIV status. It never really bothered me. I lived a very positive life. One would never have guessed that I was HIV positive *aint that the case with most of us :-)*. I was a giver of hope to some, to some I was a role model of some sort. Some called me their heroin. God was great to me; I was the perfect example of what the love of God can do for a person. I was the perfect example that once you receive Christ as your Lord and Saviour, the grace of God abounds upon you and you just can't escape it.

The year 2011 has been a year of great things for me. It’s a year where I broke through some of the stagnant areas of my life. This is the year when my writing talent came to being. God sent me helpers like you won't believe. Everything just came and fell into place. And these news, the news of being healed of HIV topped everything. In fact, everything came because of these news. I started writing and doing some motivational talks. I started chasing dreams that I wouldn't have dared chase otherwise. I became bolder and braver and I believe this was due to my increased faith in God. The sad part of this though is that, I had to see with my own two eyes… I had to see something tangible for me to have such increased faith and not only believe but also act on it. Hebrews 11:1 says "1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." I knew this and yet I still wanted to see :-(. I hoped for my healing but I wanted to see it... Ja neh!

Just like all Christians who have one illness or another, praying and trusting God for healing is inevitable because He has promised us healing. So I too, had been praying to be healed because hey… I did and still do serve the God who does the impossible. So on the 17 February 2011, I had just received my routine HIV test results which came back “beautiful” as one of my Doctors would say. My CD4 count was 691 and my viral load was less than 40 copies of the virus/ml of blood. This was really excellent for someone who has been living with HIV for almost 10 years without treatment nogal. This led me to writing a note on my Facebook declaring that I was “HEALED TO BLESS”.  To me, this meant that although the virus was still detected in my body I believed that I had been healed because of the non-progression of HIV in my blood. Despite not being a healthy person, not taking HIV treatment, numerous suicide attempts, depression and anything you could think of that would lower one's immune system and therefore cause the virus to take over... Mine remained constant... Viral load at the lowest and CD4 count high. To me, this constituted healing. See my Facebook note dated 17 February 2011.

http://m.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=164937243558224&refid=21&m_sess=1Tz7PZ-BmsSOKyj

When I prayed for healing, God never revealed how He would heal me. His word kept assuring me that I was healed. When the revelation came to me on the 17 Feb 2011, it was enough for me. I was content with it, I understood it and I accepted it, hence I published the note. I understood that God's ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than mine. I understood that His miracles cannot be explained. And noone could explain why the slow to non progression of the HIV in my blood. But because as people, as human beings made of flesh and blood we are never satisfied. We ask and we receive, but we are never really satisfied.

And I too, I am flesh and blood. And yes, when more is offered I sure go for it. Do I think of what God had said to me... Not really because in my mind, the better can only come from Him... Or that could be what I wanted to believe. On the day I published my note on Facebook, I was attracted by a response that declared a negative result the next time I tested for HIV. Now who wouldn't want to be HIV negative after living with the HIV for almost 10 years. If you have been following me you will ask me, "but Pumza I thought you said you were healed of HIV though the virus could still be detected in your blood". And my answer will be yes I did, until a human being promised me better, better than what God had promised and given me.

So on the 18 Feb 2011 I went for another HIV test as the Doctor had ordered. The test that was done was the HIV Qualitative PCR DNA. I waited in anticipation hoping for the best, hoping that I will hold an HIV negative result in my hands. The days went by, I waited and on the mid morning of the 22 Feb 2011 I received a phone call from my Doctor. And Lo and Behold, the test came back negative. It was something to praise God for. I testified and I talked and I shared. I just couldn't keep my mouth shut *not that I could anyway :-)*.

This began a new journey of my life. I saw myself in a whole new light. I started writing and sharing. I started making better and bigger plans for my future. I was a new person, a better person, a healed person. I went on with my life, made bold and brave decisions. I lived an HIV free life which meant no more immune boosters and vitamin pills *pheew*. No more being paranoid whenever I saw my blood. It meant no more worrying about disclosing an HIV status to people who wanted to get close to me. This meant freedom for me. And it felt great! 

On the 29 Dec 2011, I went to see my previous Doctor for flu. I had not shared with him my HIV negative results so when he asked how I was, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to do so. Off course, the man was shocked. He down right couldn't believe it. In actual fact he told me straight out that "there's no such, you're HIV positive". So I told him to call for the test results which he did. In the meantime he ran an HIV Rapid Elisa test on me (finger prick test). The first one he did was positive. He looked at me with that "I told you so look". I looked at him and I was like "yinton?" And he said "akuboni wena, I told you you're positive". I didn't believe it so whilst I was still astonished, he did another one. And yep... You guessed it, it was positive too. Now I was ready to scream but then I remembered that I had seen my HIV negative result so these two rapid tests had it all wrong. So he drew blood to send to the lab and told me to come back after two weeks. Part of me still believed I was negative. I mean a whole year? If I was positive all this time surely something should have happened by now. I mean I had not been taking any immune boosters which meant that the HIV would have had a party of a lifetime in my body. So no, it just couldn't be.

I eventually went to get my results on the 6 Feb 2012. And yep! They confirmed that I was indeed HIV positive. So I started asking the how's and what not's. And all my Doctor could say was that I told you that you couldn't have been. So I asked him to explain the negative result to me. I mean it was there so how did it happen? He informed me that the test that had been done on me was only meant for infants less than 18 months to check if they have not been infected by their mothers. He further said that this test was very unreliable on adults and was bound to throw a false negative result. It was just unbelievable to me and to be honest it stung a bit. I left the Doctor's rooms with a friend of mine and we tried to find the why's and what not's but couldn't find answers.

Now, the funny thing about all this is that the first time I heard the news that I was HIV positive was moss in 2001 and then, I took them very very well (see article on my blog http://pumzamooi.blogspot.com/ ). I didn't really have the why and how questions because I knew that I was sexually active and I knew that I had been unsafe at some point so really it would have been a performance on my side to start asking such questions. So life had to go on and it went on well and all things were good. But for some reason, this time was kinda tough. It was hard, hurting, angering. It really pierced through my heart so deep that I really didn't know how to handle it. Here I was, from HIV negative to positive with no real explanation? I mean come on? Why? Was I being punished? Was it some sick joke? Was it a mistake? Why on my life? Why the risk with my life? What was I to do? Who do I tell? Yhooo! My mother, how do I tell her? The people I've testified to, their faith, won't it be shaken? Why me, why me, why me? And guess what... I did not have the answers. So I started looking for answers. On the 7 Feb 2012 I went to another Doctor of mine *yeah, I know I have a lot of Dr's*  who confirmed that the HIV Qualitative PCR DNA test could not be done on adults but on infants 18 months and less. She reminded me that when I had to test my little girl at 30 months we did the HIV Elisa test because the Qualitative PCR DNA would not have given accurate results. Before leaving her she took my blood for the routine HIV viral load test and CD4 count to check how much damage has taken place in the past 12 months. Now, I had a cough that had been going on for over a month so it became obvious to do a TB test as well. So we did.  The next day I e-mailed my ooooold Dr *hides*. He's the one who's been monitoring my HIV since 2003 but had left the medicine field. He also confirmed what the other two Doctors have stated (i.e that the HIV Qualitative PCR DNA test could not be done on adults). So, that closed that investigation for me... Well kinda cos I still went and searched the internet and yes, its a test to be done on infants under 18 months.

Test Summary

HIV-1 DNA, Qualitative PCR

  

Clinical Use

Detect HIV-1 infection in infants up to 18 months of age

Clinical Background

The qualitative HIV-1 DNA test detects the presence of the human immune deficiency proviral DNA, a form of the HIV-1 genome produced by the integration of viral DNA into host cell DNA. Qualitative HIV-1 DNA analysis can aid in early detection of HIV-1 in infants born to HIV-1-infected mothers. Maternal antibodies may persist for the first 18 months of life, confounding diagnosis in the infant; however, maternal antibodies do not interfere in the HIV-1 DNA test. This assay may also detect HIV-1 in patients with acute infection prior to seroconversion (antibody formation), as well as in patients with agammaglobulinemia. It is recommended that positive results be confirmed on two separate blood samples with one or a combination of virus-specific tests.

ELISA and Western blot remain the primary tools for HIV-1 diagnosis. The qualitative DNA PCR assay is advisable only for the situations described above.

Individuals Suitable for Testing

Infants 18 months of age or less, born to HIV-1 infected mothers

(ref:http://www.questdiagnostics.com/hcp/intguide/jsp/showintguidepage.jsp?fn=TS_HIV1_DNA_QualPCR.htm )  

So, all was confirmed. I had received a false HIV-negative result on 22 February 2011.

So the anger started kicking in, I cussed out, I cursed, I cried and I asked questions. I wanted to die, I really came to a point where I saw no point in living. I mean, I had been living a lie for a year. What else was a lie? My testimony? My writing? My dreams? My life? My purpose? What has been happening in the past 12 months? Who was I in the past 12 months? For goodness' sake I had started writing two books. I have people writing articles about me and my healing. I am referred to as the daughter of faith and an example of faith is made by me. All that? A lie? Daaaaayyyyyyymn! What else really?

On the 09 Feb 2012 I received a call from my Dr to go and get my results. Glory be to my God, my CD4 count had actually went up from last year's January. Jan 2011 it was 691 and Feb 2012 it was 767. If that's not God taking care of His own I don't know what is. As much as the virus had "free reign" on my immune system, it did not affect it instead my immune system became stronger. She also gave me the great news that I was TB free :-). Unfortunately, she didn't have my viral load results so I had to wait in fear of not knowing how much this virus has grown and progressed in my body. I had a dream that my viral load was over 600000/ml of blood. Lord, did I get up and cancel that dream. HIV has never ever scared me this way. On 20 Feb 2012 I was informed that my viral load results are in. I went to those rooms and part of my heart I was saying, "as long as its not 600000 that I saw in my dreams" another part was saying, "I hope its undetectable, its still possible". My turn came and I went in. Now my Doctor is a very friendly lady. We started talking about Whitney Houston's funeral and all. And I thought to myself "Sisi! You're stalling and I wonder why". I told her about the dream and she just laaaughed. She took out the last results she had and compared with these. Yeah... There they were, viral load sitting at 247/ml of blood. Is my God great or is my God great?

Allow me to make you understand my excitement.

Progression of HIV and its effect to the CD4 counts over the years (ref: http://uhavax.hartford.edu/bugl/images/HIV-graph.jpg )

With HIV, one cannot afford not to take some form of immune booster. A weak immune system becomes vulnerable to the virus and it finds it easy to attack and multiply in one's blood stream. This causes the progression of the disease which eventually leads to AIDS. During the past year, my immune system was at risk as it was not fed and boosted everyday. This gave the virus lee way to do as it pleased in my body, but even though it had the chance it didn't. I still have no words to describe all this and I am still at awe at how God has once again saved my life.

2 Corinthians 12 7(b) Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited; I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Just like Paul, HIV may be the thorn in my flesh to keep me from being proud. You see, when I looked around and saw people dying around me, depressed because of HIV and though I knew that God is the One who has kept me from the destruction of this virus. A part of me believed that Pumza was doing something right, something that somehow others weren't doing.  I may have even seen myself as stronger and wiser than some.  And this past year has done more than proving to me that I actually had nothing to do with how my life with HIV has been and still going to be. It was and always will be about and because of the grace of God. After no participation from me to ensure a stronger immune system, positive attitude towards the virus and lower viral load... I am still standing... Stronger... Not because of my doing but because Christ in me is strong...

So, you may ask... Do I still maintain that I am healed of HIV? Yes I do... Do I still maintain that I am an HIV conqueror? Yes I do and yes I am... HIV has tried to have but has failed many times. I'm stronger and wiser. I may have many answered questions but this one thing I'm sure of that I am chosen for such a time like this. This is my journey. It has always been. Though I have tried to derail from it... It is mine and I shall walk it with the strength and determination that my God had imparted in me many years ago.

As I write this article which was just not easy for me to do. I am strengthened by music from Bebe Winans, "Through it all I've learned to trust in Jesus", Yolanda Adams, "Fragile heart" and Kirk Franklin, "Imagine me". 

Through all of this I am learning to trust God more. To trust what He has said and to trust that He is the only One who knows my life, my destiny. He said that His plans are to prosper me and to give me a hope and a future and not to harm me. I have learned that He does and always will do things His own way and that as long as I can still comprehend it, then it is not of Him, for His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than mine. Who can really know the mind of God? I have come to realise that I can never... In my trusting Him I have surrendered my life, my mind, my being and my heart to Him. He is the Only one with the ability to heal and fix my broken heart, to restore hope and peace within me. And as I do that, as I trust and surrender to Him... I imagine myself beyond the trial, beyond the pain, the confusion, and the questions. I imagine myself at peace and filled with joy and zeal once again. I imagine myself the best Pumza I can be, the best Pumza God has created me to be. I am still and will always be the most blessed and honoured of God's children... yeah, yeah, yeah... I know ndiyazifonela :-)

So where to from here... Well...

I am Pumza Mooi and I test positive for HIV. I am healed and I am blessed. And my life, I will continue to live to make a difference just as God intended.

Peace and blessings!!!

P

Rejection

There is a saying that I like very much that says “Rejection is God’s protection”. On the other hand the bible says that God’s promises are “yes” and “amen” (1 Corinthians 1:20). This to me means that God doesn’t say no to His children who believe in Him for the fulfilment of His promises in their lives. Now, what is the deal with le yokuba ndithandazele something and not get it. This question reminds me of a circulating email that says “God’s answers are

1.       Yes

2.       Not yet

3.       I’ve got something better in mind”

For me, these three answers really define what has happened in my life when I had waited for an answer to a prayer. A few years back I worked for a company as a temp, and I was praying to God for  a permanent job because I needed it in order to take care of myself and children. Eventually they decided to sign me up permanently and on the Tuesday of the week that I was supposed to get my contract I was called in and told that my temporary contract had expired and that I had to finish off on the Friday as they no longer needed my services. That was a huge knock on my life, more so my finances. How was I to take care of my children without a job? To top that off, when I called my agent, she was shocked in her boots as she was sitting with a letter from the company requesting an invoice to buy me over as they had decided to take me permanently.

A fighting spirit is something I truly lacked, actually still do. This loss of job led me to going back to my parents’ house with my children as I could not afford to pay the rent anymore. What was really sad and painful about this setup was that three years prior to this, I had walked out with my uncle in a white dress, yes... it was my wedding day. And now I had to come back to this same house, with my children, my furniture and all. The irony of this is that the man who was the reason for me to leave my mom’s house is the one who was moving my belongings to take me back home. On the week that I moved, I received a call from my agent to attend an interview for another temporary job. I was praying so hard to get this job, I didn’t care how much it paid because the thought of staying at home, at my mom’s nogal was just too much to bear. I was thinking that I would have to be a child again, surely my mom would expect to find her house spotless and supper cooked with me at home the whole day. The thought that I could at some point have to ask her for taxi fare when I’d have to go to an interview was just enough to send me over a bridge and be gone forever but because God’s promises are never “no”, I received a call the day before I moved that I had to start the following Monday. Phew!!! What a relief!!! This was my “not yet”, “I’ve got something better in mind for you” answer from God. A few months later, the department that I was working at in the previous company was dissolved and those who worked there were not placed in other departments which meant I could have been without a job...again. Their rejection was God protecting me from unemployment that could have been longer than I could take. So God knew, but He allowed me to go through that process of rejection and lack so that I could get closer to Him and trust Him completely to deliver the promise of provision He had made to me.

It has always been my agreement with my husband that if he ever cheated, started drinking and smoking it will be the end of our marriage. Talk about the power of the tongue, that is exactly what happened. He cheated, started drinking and smoking. But it wasn’t easy to just walk away. I wanted to but couldn’t, until the marriage became toxic for me and my children. We eventually separated and this was just a few months before I moved back to my mom’s house. This separation started me on another journey to seek God, but this time it was for Him to bring my Boo back, sober too. It took me over two years to realise that God has been telling me all along that “I’ve got something better in mind for you”. Now, Pumza can be very stubborn. After receiving so many scriptures and prophecies about letting go, I still held on. It just couldn’t be my marriage that I had to let go off. It just couldn’t be my Boo that I had to let go off. I couldn’t think of anything better than having him and our family back. But God had something better... greater that my husband could ever be, He had “life” in mind for me. It took me finding my husband in bed with another woman for me to finally make the decision to let go. After seriously pondering it and seeking God about it, I finally filed for divorce on 15 February 2011 and seven days later I received the result that I was no longer HIV positive, and this was from having lived witht the HIVirus since 2001. What a great God I serve. He gave me life, a new start and a new lease on life instead of the pain and turmoil I was asking from Him. He is God my Healer and He is God my Deliverer. My husband’s rejection was God’s protection from the progression of HIV which could have led to me dying of AIDS. Amen and amen!!!

As women, we fall in love easily and from simple little things. It could be his voice, his eyes, his smile, his hand gestures when he talks, his laugh... the list is just endless. When going through a break up, it is easy to find yourself falling in and out of love because you possibly miss that love and attention you once knew and you’re just hoping that you might find someone who would just treat you better but most of all, someone who would just allow you to love them and make them happy. Yeah... I have had those in my life too. And being a born again child of God it is never simple to deal with the matters of the heart especially when you’re not sure of your marital status. But what I love about my God is that there is no situation of my life where He is not present. He’s there, in my face 24/7. God commands us to be pure and I have come to learn that purity is not something that we can attain for ourselves but it is a gift of grace from Him. It has been my goal to try by all means not to sin with my body and because I was trying on my own, with my own might and wisdom I almost did. A few more minutes, a few more inches I would have found myself at the throne of grace repenting for allowing my flesh to take over. It is just amazing how God works, when I don’t seem to listen to Him, He makes sure the other parties involved listen. And when they listen, it leaves my heart sobbing and bleeding because to me it feels like rejection when in fact it's what God had been telling me to do all along but He just found a more obedient heart. I still don’t know what God’s answer is on this subject but whatever it is, I am willing to wait and once again let Him lead.

What I want to say to you guys this morning is that when we feel rejected, be it in our professional or personal lives we should just stop and think for a moment. Ask and seek God in that moment and find out what He is saying. Most of the time we become angry at the people who had listened to God’s voice when we didn’t and we cuss them out and call them names. We label them with all sorts of names because they did what we refused to do. I am thinking ke ngoku, that when I experience rejection of any sorts next time I will most definitely ask and seek the One who is the author and finisher of my faith and life and find His answer to my predicament. I am also making the conclusion that  if I cuss the person out, then I am actually cussing God out because the poor person was just following the prompts of  God, who is leading my life to where He wants it to go.

So, next time you feel rejected... Smile, and rest assured that God has definitely got something better for you in mind.

Be blessed

P

PS. Thank you wena, for listening to my Father... I love you and will always treasure your presence in my life, for through you I once again experienced the great love that God has for me... Stay a blessing.

16 Days of activism against women and children abuse

As we near the end of the “16 days of activism against women and children abuse”, I want us to take it further and not let the protection of our loved ones and those around us be limited to 16 days each year. This should be a daily campaign, for each and every household, community, church, town, province and country. It has to start at home, with the parent or spouse to say “I will not intentionally impose pain of any kind to the one I love”.

It pains me kakhulu to hear that a child has been beaten, burnt and worst of all sexually violated and more so by a family member. I can never understand how a grown man could be turned on by a child of a few months and still find it in his heart  and head to enter her/him in that way. I know from my own children that a child’s scream can be so sharp that you, the parent would want to run away. So how does tolerate that scream of pain and agony? How does he stand looking at the blood coming out of the child and still continue with this sick and evil act? How does a parent hit a child so hard that a child ends up with scratches and marks, in some cases even hospitalised? How does a parent take a lit cigarette and kill it on the child’s body? How does a father continue to rape his daughter everyday to some extent even impregnate her numerously. How does a husband who has married a woman he loved, cherished and appreciated suddenly see her as his punching bag? How does he continuously, daily violate her physically and even sexually. There must have been a time in their relationship where making love to his wife was the most beautiful thing that left her feeling loved and appreciated by her husband, all of a sudden it becomes a forceful act that leaves her empty and hurt.

There are so many cases of domestic abuse and violence that I cannot write about them all, but the point I am trying to make is that it starts at home.  If the child cannot trust their parent, who can they trust? If a child is traumatised every time they are called into a room by their parent because they fear for their lives, how can we build a nation of confident young men and women and create a safer country? If a woman is terrified by the man she is living with at home, the one who has been entrusted to protect her, how can she be confident and still remain feminine in the outside world? How can she be a strong mother to her own children when she herself is living in fear?

We need to start creating loving and safe homes for our children. The greatest commandment in the bible is in Matthew 22:37-39 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it, “love your neighbour as yourself.” Jesus also says in John 15:12-13 “This is my commandment: That you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends”

When we love God and have Jesus in our lives as our Lord and saviour. We are granted grace to love the way God loves. God loved us to such an extent that He gave up His only son that He should die for us so we can have eternal life. It is clear from both scriptures that we need to follow God’s example of love. Love is sacrificing yourself for the sake of the one you love. Also, if we learn to love others as we love ourselves, then intentionally hurting them and causing them pain is something that won’t even cross our minds. When you love yourself you always make sure that you feel good, that you look good. You take great care of yourself. This is how we should be towards others. When you love, you do not hurt. For where love resides, evil has no place.

Children born into violent and abusive homes tend to be also violent and abusive, which means that what the child sees happening at home, she/he takes practises it outside on other kids and that is affecting the community. It becomes an ever ending chain of violent and cruel events that could well have been prevented had we endeavoured to have more peaceful and harmonious households, and raised our children in homes where everybody is respected, not just for their age but for being a human being. I think in short, respect of life is what we should practise more and teach our children, because in the end... whatever we do or do not do does affect our lives  and those of the people around us.

As I finish this note. I am listening to Michael Jackson’s “Heal the world”. This song has always touched my heart and I think this is what we need to do. Heal the world we live in and make it a better place for all of us but mostly for our children. It still starts at home... when we heal our homes we will in the process heal the world...

Love, be blessed and be safe

P