Have you ever?... Well... God has not forgotten you

 Do you ever get that feeling like God has forgotten you? Where you wonder why all these bad and painful things are happening to you? You sit and you look at your life and you can actually count in one hand the not so bad things and yet need your hands and feet and even borrow someone else’s in order to come close to the number of all your painful moments. Have you ever got to the place where you look around and you see almost every one of your friends sharing all the good stuff that’s happening in their lives and you wonder what it is that you could be doing wrong… why aren’t your prayers being answered, you wonder if God is even listening to you let alone answering. Have you ever been in a place where you feel like your life is just standing still, sometimes even taking a few steps back. You dream and have all these visions and yet you are unable to do anything about them, and you start asking God why he placed them in your heart in the first place if he’s gonna be the one to close doors for you to fulfil them… when you don’t get answers you just plain assume that well… maybe they were never from him in the first place.

Have you ever been in a place where you just feel all alone and you wonder if the people in your life are there because they pity you or because they truly cared, and if they did care for real… why in the world? Have you ever felt hopeless, useless and worthless, where you even ask yourself if it is all worth it, if Jesus is worth it? I mean, he’s there and yet all these things are happening to you so what’s the point. Have you ever got to that point where the only way out is that you be out… literally? And even dare God saying that if he wants you to live then he won’t allow you to succeed in taking your life? Have you ever been in a place where you find yourself accepting that good things and life are just not for you? Have you ever convinced yourself that maybe God wants you to be sick, that he wants you to lack and be miserable and you really fool yourself by saying it is God’s will and that it is well? And you even support these thoughts by finding all kinds of faults with yourself and believe that this is all punishment because you did this and that or didn’t do this and that?

I may not know your answers to these questions. But I can relate to the fact that while one goes through all these thoughts and emotions. Tears often stream down your face and you find yourself crying as if there’s not tomorrow. You utter the few words that you can manage to say, easiest being “WHY”. Most times than not it’s not followed by any words but just by a pain and a lengthy scream that just feels like your jaws are locked. You know the words you want to say in your heart but somehow you just cannot utter them. And you wonder if God sees what you want to say and if he does will the silent prayer be enough for him to move even an inch to your aid.

In the midst of the above, the questions, the crying and screaming and the hurt, have you ever pictured God’s hand on your shoulder, another one wiping your tears away. Have you ever heard his voice repeating every word that you’re crying in your heart and following with an “I know my child, and trust me”? Have you ever heard him remind you of his word, asking you “didn’t I?”? Have you ever had a conversation just like a child has with their parent who’s trying to comfort them and trying to get the story of the problem? Have you ever heard him say “didn’t I say I will never leave nor forsake you?” (Heb 13:5) when everybody you know seemed to be distant and you felt alone and you wondered if he was there? Have you ever heard him say “didn’t I say I have plans to prosper you and give you a hope and future and not to harm you?” (Jer 29:11) when you asked why things weren’t going well in your life, when you asked why you are hurting so? Have you ever heard him say “didn’t I say I took upon me your infirmities and took away your diseases?” (Mat 8:17) when you cried about being sick? Have you ever heard him say “didn’t I say I will return to you all that has been stolen from you?” Joel 2:25) when you cry about losing your job, loved one, house or anything that belonged to you?

Have you ever heard and felt God with you, in you and around you in the midst of your pain? Have you ever heard his comforting voice telling you that it will all be okay, just trust him and you feel an overwhelming peace within you? Have you ever heard him assure you time and time again that he is working all things together for your good (Romans 8:28), reminding you that nothing is impossible or too hard for him? (Mat 19:6). Has he ever reminded you of the power, authority, strength and ability he has placed in you for you to be more than a conqueror of any challenge you came across (Luke 10:19 & Rom 8:37)?
I have… in the midst of it all… the noise, the pain, the tears, the confusion and uncertainty… I have heard him say it will be okay. I have felt his arms around me and heard his voice telling me to trust him. I have heard him telling me over and over again just how much he loved me and just how much I meant to him. But what has stuck in my mind is when he said to me, “I have your name engraved in the palms of my hands (Isaiah 49:16), I will never forget you. I am with you through it all and I have enough love, strength and power to take you through it. Will you have faith and let go and let me be God?”

And so, I surrender all to him who knows all. To him who is able. To him who holds me as the apple of his eye (Psalm 17:8). Will you do the same and watch the deliverance of the Lord? Will you not be afraid of the vast army that you see now and only see by faith your God fighting and defeating the enemy for you? (Exo 14:3-14).

God loves you and he will never forget you :-)
Be blessed!

P

Today, 11 years ago...

On this day, eleven years ago I sat across my then Gynecologist as he shared the results of my HIV test which he took and precaution for my pregnancy. The result was a Positive, marked by a plus sign which was circled in red...

Honestly, today has just been one somehow challenging to even depressing day for me. It could be because of everything that has happened especially in the last 12 months. I'm just reflecting on all these years and for once in a very long time... I have no words to describe what is happening inside of me, in my mind, heart, body and soul.

One thing I am sure of though is that God has been great. Through these years He has kept me and for that I will live my life glorifying and blessing and lifting up His holy name...

It has been 11 years and I am still standing and going strong. No treatment, no illness. I am going from strength to strength because of the Mighty Blood of my Jesus Christ.

Hold on and hold out. Our God is the God who heals and takes away all our diseases...

Stay blessed!!!

P

It is harder the second time around

It was on this day, in 2011, that I received the news that I was HIV NEGATIVE. Now this is after having lived with the virus since 2001. I was diagnosed with HIV on 20 March 2001, and almost 10 years later... there I was, HIV negative. Now, if that was not enough to send anyone screaming for joy, crying and shaking all over, I don't know what would. If that was not a testimony worth sharing with the world through every medium possible, I don't know what is.

I was excited and overjoyed. Nothing in this world could even begin to describe how happy I was. Don't get me wrong, I was content with my HIV status. It never really bothered me. I lived a very positive life. One would never have guessed that I was HIV positive *aint that the case with most of us :-)*. I was a giver of hope to some, to some I was a role model of some sort. Some called me their heroin. God was great to me; I was the perfect example of what the love of God can do for a person. I was the perfect example that once you receive Christ as your Lord and Saviour, the grace of God abounds upon you and you just can't escape it.

The year 2011 has been a year of great things for me. It’s a year where I broke through some of the stagnant areas of my life. This is the year when my writing talent came to being. God sent me helpers like you won't believe. Everything just came and fell into place. And these news, the news of being healed of HIV topped everything. In fact, everything came because of these news. I started writing and doing some motivational talks. I started chasing dreams that I wouldn't have dared chase otherwise. I became bolder and braver and I believe this was due to my increased faith in God. The sad part of this though is that, I had to see with my own two eyes… I had to see something tangible for me to have such increased faith and not only believe but also act on it. Hebrews 11:1 says "1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." I knew this and yet I still wanted to see :-(. I hoped for my healing but I wanted to see it... Ja neh!

Just like all Christians who have one illness or another, praying and trusting God for healing is inevitable because He has promised us healing. So I too, had been praying to be healed because hey… I did and still do serve the God who does the impossible. So on the 17 February 2011, I had just received my routine HIV test results which came back “beautiful” as one of my Doctors would say. My CD4 count was 691 and my viral load was less than 40 copies of the virus/ml of blood. This was really excellent for someone who has been living with HIV for almost 10 years without treatment nogal. This led me to writing a note on my Facebook declaring that I was “HEALED TO BLESS”.  To me, this meant that although the virus was still detected in my body I believed that I had been healed because of the non-progression of HIV in my blood. Despite not being a healthy person, not taking HIV treatment, numerous suicide attempts, depression and anything you could think of that would lower one's immune system and therefore cause the virus to take over... Mine remained constant... Viral load at the lowest and CD4 count high. To me, this constituted healing. See my Facebook note dated 17 February 2011.

http://m.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=164937243558224&refid=21&m_sess=1Tz7PZ-BmsSOKyj

When I prayed for healing, God never revealed how He would heal me. His word kept assuring me that I was healed. When the revelation came to me on the 17 Feb 2011, it was enough for me. I was content with it, I understood it and I accepted it, hence I published the note. I understood that God's ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than mine. I understood that His miracles cannot be explained. And noone could explain why the slow to non progression of the HIV in my blood. But because as people, as human beings made of flesh and blood we are never satisfied. We ask and we receive, but we are never really satisfied.

And I too, I am flesh and blood. And yes, when more is offered I sure go for it. Do I think of what God had said to me... Not really because in my mind, the better can only come from Him... Or that could be what I wanted to believe. On the day I published my note on Facebook, I was attracted by a response that declared a negative result the next time I tested for HIV. Now who wouldn't want to be HIV negative after living with the HIV for almost 10 years. If you have been following me you will ask me, "but Pumza I thought you said you were healed of HIV though the virus could still be detected in your blood". And my answer will be yes I did, until a human being promised me better, better than what God had promised and given me.

So on the 18 Feb 2011 I went for another HIV test as the Doctor had ordered. The test that was done was the HIV Qualitative PCR DNA. I waited in anticipation hoping for the best, hoping that I will hold an HIV negative result in my hands. The days went by, I waited and on the mid morning of the 22 Feb 2011 I received a phone call from my Doctor. And Lo and Behold, the test came back negative. It was something to praise God for. I testified and I talked and I shared. I just couldn't keep my mouth shut *not that I could anyway :-)*.

This began a new journey of my life. I saw myself in a whole new light. I started writing and sharing. I started making better and bigger plans for my future. I was a new person, a better person, a healed person. I went on with my life, made bold and brave decisions. I lived an HIV free life which meant no more immune boosters and vitamin pills *pheew*. No more being paranoid whenever I saw my blood. It meant no more worrying about disclosing an HIV status to people who wanted to get close to me. This meant freedom for me. And it felt great! 

On the 29 Dec 2011, I went to see my previous Doctor for flu. I had not shared with him my HIV negative results so when he asked how I was, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to do so. Off course, the man was shocked. He down right couldn't believe it. In actual fact he told me straight out that "there's no such, you're HIV positive". So I told him to call for the test results which he did. In the meantime he ran an HIV Rapid Elisa test on me (finger prick test). The first one he did was positive. He looked at me with that "I told you so look". I looked at him and I was like "yinton?" And he said "akuboni wena, I told you you're positive". I didn't believe it so whilst I was still astonished, he did another one. And yep... You guessed it, it was positive too. Now I was ready to scream but then I remembered that I had seen my HIV negative result so these two rapid tests had it all wrong. So he drew blood to send to the lab and told me to come back after two weeks. Part of me still believed I was negative. I mean a whole year? If I was positive all this time surely something should have happened by now. I mean I had not been taking any immune boosters which meant that the HIV would have had a party of a lifetime in my body. So no, it just couldn't be.

I eventually went to get my results on the 6 Feb 2012. And yep! They confirmed that I was indeed HIV positive. So I started asking the how's and what not's. And all my Doctor could say was that I told you that you couldn't have been. So I asked him to explain the negative result to me. I mean it was there so how did it happen? He informed me that the test that had been done on me was only meant for infants less than 18 months to check if they have not been infected by their mothers. He further said that this test was very unreliable on adults and was bound to throw a false negative result. It was just unbelievable to me and to be honest it stung a bit. I left the Doctor's rooms with a friend of mine and we tried to find the why's and what not's but couldn't find answers.

Now, the funny thing about all this is that the first time I heard the news that I was HIV positive was moss in 2001 and then, I took them very very well (see article on my blog http://pumzamooi.blogspot.com/ ). I didn't really have the why and how questions because I knew that I was sexually active and I knew that I had been unsafe at some point so really it would have been a performance on my side to start asking such questions. So life had to go on and it went on well and all things were good. But for some reason, this time was kinda tough. It was hard, hurting, angering. It really pierced through my heart so deep that I really didn't know how to handle it. Here I was, from HIV negative to positive with no real explanation? I mean come on? Why? Was I being punished? Was it some sick joke? Was it a mistake? Why on my life? Why the risk with my life? What was I to do? Who do I tell? Yhooo! My mother, how do I tell her? The people I've testified to, their faith, won't it be shaken? Why me, why me, why me? And guess what... I did not have the answers. So I started looking for answers. On the 7 Feb 2012 I went to another Doctor of mine *yeah, I know I have a lot of Dr's*  who confirmed that the HIV Qualitative PCR DNA test could not be done on adults but on infants 18 months and less. She reminded me that when I had to test my little girl at 30 months we did the HIV Elisa test because the Qualitative PCR DNA would not have given accurate results. Before leaving her she took my blood for the routine HIV viral load test and CD4 count to check how much damage has taken place in the past 12 months. Now, I had a cough that had been going on for over a month so it became obvious to do a TB test as well. So we did.  The next day I e-mailed my ooooold Dr *hides*. He's the one who's been monitoring my HIV since 2003 but had left the medicine field. He also confirmed what the other two Doctors have stated (i.e that the HIV Qualitative PCR DNA test could not be done on adults). So, that closed that investigation for me... Well kinda cos I still went and searched the internet and yes, its a test to be done on infants under 18 months.

Test Summary

HIV-1 DNA, Qualitative PCR

  

Clinical Use

Detect HIV-1 infection in infants up to 18 months of age

Clinical Background

The qualitative HIV-1 DNA test detects the presence of the human immune deficiency proviral DNA, a form of the HIV-1 genome produced by the integration of viral DNA into host cell DNA. Qualitative HIV-1 DNA analysis can aid in early detection of HIV-1 in infants born to HIV-1-infected mothers. Maternal antibodies may persist for the first 18 months of life, confounding diagnosis in the infant; however, maternal antibodies do not interfere in the HIV-1 DNA test. This assay may also detect HIV-1 in patients with acute infection prior to seroconversion (antibody formation), as well as in patients with agammaglobulinemia. It is recommended that positive results be confirmed on two separate blood samples with one or a combination of virus-specific tests.

ELISA and Western blot remain the primary tools for HIV-1 diagnosis. The qualitative DNA PCR assay is advisable only for the situations described above.

Individuals Suitable for Testing

Infants 18 months of age or less, born to HIV-1 infected mothers

(ref:http://www.questdiagnostics.com/hcp/intguide/jsp/showintguidepage.jsp?fn=TS_HIV1_DNA_QualPCR.htm )  

So, all was confirmed. I had received a false HIV-negative result on 22 February 2011.

So the anger started kicking in, I cussed out, I cursed, I cried and I asked questions. I wanted to die, I really came to a point where I saw no point in living. I mean, I had been living a lie for a year. What else was a lie? My testimony? My writing? My dreams? My life? My purpose? What has been happening in the past 12 months? Who was I in the past 12 months? For goodness' sake I had started writing two books. I have people writing articles about me and my healing. I am referred to as the daughter of faith and an example of faith is made by me. All that? A lie? Daaaaayyyyyyymn! What else really?

On the 09 Feb 2012 I received a call from my Dr to go and get my results. Glory be to my God, my CD4 count had actually went up from last year's January. Jan 2011 it was 691 and Feb 2012 it was 767. If that's not God taking care of His own I don't know what is. As much as the virus had "free reign" on my immune system, it did not affect it instead my immune system became stronger. She also gave me the great news that I was TB free :-). Unfortunately, she didn't have my viral load results so I had to wait in fear of not knowing how much this virus has grown and progressed in my body. I had a dream that my viral load was over 600000/ml of blood. Lord, did I get up and cancel that dream. HIV has never ever scared me this way. On 20 Feb 2012 I was informed that my viral load results are in. I went to those rooms and part of my heart I was saying, "as long as its not 600000 that I saw in my dreams" another part was saying, "I hope its undetectable, its still possible". My turn came and I went in. Now my Doctor is a very friendly lady. We started talking about Whitney Houston's funeral and all. And I thought to myself "Sisi! You're stalling and I wonder why". I told her about the dream and she just laaaughed. She took out the last results she had and compared with these. Yeah... There they were, viral load sitting at 247/ml of blood. Is my God great or is my God great?

Allow me to make you understand my excitement.

Progression of HIV and its effect to the CD4 counts over the years (ref: http://uhavax.hartford.edu/bugl/images/HIV-graph.jpg )

With HIV, one cannot afford not to take some form of immune booster. A weak immune system becomes vulnerable to the virus and it finds it easy to attack and multiply in one's blood stream. This causes the progression of the disease which eventually leads to AIDS. During the past year, my immune system was at risk as it was not fed and boosted everyday. This gave the virus lee way to do as it pleased in my body, but even though it had the chance it didn't. I still have no words to describe all this and I am still at awe at how God has once again saved my life.

2 Corinthians 12 7(b) Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited; I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Just like Paul, HIV may be the thorn in my flesh to keep me from being proud. You see, when I looked around and saw people dying around me, depressed because of HIV and though I knew that God is the One who has kept me from the destruction of this virus. A part of me believed that Pumza was doing something right, something that somehow others weren't doing.  I may have even seen myself as stronger and wiser than some.  And this past year has done more than proving to me that I actually had nothing to do with how my life with HIV has been and still going to be. It was and always will be about and because of the grace of God. After no participation from me to ensure a stronger immune system, positive attitude towards the virus and lower viral load... I am still standing... Stronger... Not because of my doing but because Christ in me is strong...

So, you may ask... Do I still maintain that I am healed of HIV? Yes I do... Do I still maintain that I am an HIV conqueror? Yes I do and yes I am... HIV has tried to have but has failed many times. I'm stronger and wiser. I may have many answered questions but this one thing I'm sure of that I am chosen for such a time like this. This is my journey. It has always been. Though I have tried to derail from it... It is mine and I shall walk it with the strength and determination that my God had imparted in me many years ago.

As I write this article which was just not easy for me to do. I am strengthened by music from Bebe Winans, "Through it all I've learned to trust in Jesus", Yolanda Adams, "Fragile heart" and Kirk Franklin, "Imagine me". 

Through all of this I am learning to trust God more. To trust what He has said and to trust that He is the only One who knows my life, my destiny. He said that His plans are to prosper me and to give me a hope and a future and not to harm me. I have learned that He does and always will do things His own way and that as long as I can still comprehend it, then it is not of Him, for His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than mine. Who can really know the mind of God? I have come to realise that I can never... In my trusting Him I have surrendered my life, my mind, my being and my heart to Him. He is the Only one with the ability to heal and fix my broken heart, to restore hope and peace within me. And as I do that, as I trust and surrender to Him... I imagine myself beyond the trial, beyond the pain, the confusion, and the questions. I imagine myself at peace and filled with joy and zeal once again. I imagine myself the best Pumza I can be, the best Pumza God has created me to be. I am still and will always be the most blessed and honoured of God's children... yeah, yeah, yeah... I know ndiyazifonela :-)

So where to from here... Well...

I am Pumza Mooi and I test positive for HIV. I am healed and I am blessed. And my life, I will continue to live to make a difference just as God intended.

Peace and blessings!!!

P