Sometimes in life it becomes so easy and actually a better option to hold on to the past. Ironic as it may be, we see it to be the safer option because hey, it’s something that we already know and used to and we may even add that we also know how to deal with it. Now, when I, Pumza Mooi talk about the past, I am referring to those things that didn’t go well; those things and even people that I would rather forget about (but after learning from them off course) because they brought pain and suffering into my life…. it is inevitable that we would meet people who would hurt us at some point in our lives. If we’re honest with ourselves, we have been those people to others. We have people who would rather forget that they met us, people that we were once their prayer items. All it actually takes is to look back a bit and wonder if a certain event in our life was not an answer of a prayer of someone whose heart we broke ;-). There will always be someone with whom we don’t agree or have conflict with. Some we find ways of forgiving and moving past the ordeal some we forgive and just can’t find a way of moving past it. Some, we have difficulties forgiving let alone moving past the painful experience we had with them. Some people are our biggest mistakes, some led us to our biggest mistakes and again, we could have been mistakes to some. Whatever the case, at some point; there has to be some letting go to be done. I mean who really wants to hold on to something that brings pain every time they think of it? Something that could have possibly destroyed their life? Something that attest to their foolishness? Well, we do because it’s better than “jumping from a frying pan and straight into the fire”… mmhhhh!!!
If it happens that we become conscious of the effects of a particular experience and the need to move on from it and put it in forgiving and forgetting land. We also need to be aware of why we do it and how we’re gonna do it. Most times, when we choose to move on from painful situations we tend to do it because we are running away, running away from dealing with it and learning from it. Dealing with a painful experience sometimes means having to relive the ordeal, which is our way to healing. Often times we find ourselves in the same situation, only the next time with a different cast. All because we never dealt with the previous one and therefore never receiving the lesson that was meant to come with it. So then, it is important that no matter how hard or painful it is; we deal with the problem at hand so that we learn the lesson and find healing and the freedom to move past it so that we can really call it a past and one that does not haunt.
So we say we would rather stay with “the devil we know” than going out there and be hopeful for a saint that we don’t know. Then again, when you go out on your own hoping to find this saint, chances are you might just find yourself another devil. Hence it is important that we walk this journey of life with He who is life itself. Not only is he life but also the giver and saver of life and soul. In Jeremiah 29:11 God tells that he has plans for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Off course we know that there’s not much prosperity if we surround ourselves with negative and destructive people. So, isn’t it a great idea to then allow God to identify, locate and position the people we need in our lives? Instead of holding on to the people He is busy removing for the main purpose of that they don’t feature in the future that He has for us?
Ok, let me see if I can unpack this a bit… we know that the most toxic of relationships that we find hard to let go are those of a romantic nature. This could be because we invest so much of ourselves in these relationships that we really never see ourselves getting out of them. No matter how destructive they may be, we always find ways of justifying why we cannot part with them. We hear statements like… “He knows me; he accepted and loved me knowing my background. Who would love me knowing all that he knows?”.” We have known each other since we were kids, I know no other man but him. How do I start over, I am so used to him. It will be such a challenge getting to know a new person”. ”What will people say. Some of them were jealous of us anyway they will say we told you so”. “He’s done so much for me, how do I leave him now?” Now, I am in no way condoning chop and changing men. However, if the dude abuses you, cheats on you and treats you like trash. Isn’t he worth leaving? If anything else then… shouldn’t our love for ourselves supersede our love for the person who makes us feel less of who we are to a point that we start hating ourselves? This to me doesn’t make sense… When we buy clothes, most of the time we choose certain items because they make us feel good. They make us fall in love with ourselves so much that we can’t stop looking at ourselves in the mirror. When a person compliments us, we find ourselves saying “I know” instead of “thank you”, LOL!!! I know I do this and sorry to say but it does feel goooooood;-). So why not be with a person who makes you feel good and love yourself more then?
Theeeeen, you get the friends. Lord have mercy!!!! Strangers you meet and click and connect and share with. And one day, the person changes totally for many possible reasons. Betrayal kicks in and trust is lost and things just don’t feel the same anymore. Friends would gossip about you, steal from you and treat you like the stranger that you came as. But still, we would defend our friends and hold on to this friendship even though it aint so friendly anymore. Our reason would range from “She knows too much about me, I have told her my deepest and darkest secrets, what if she tells?” “She’s been there for me in tough times; won’t I seem ungrateful if I stop being friends with her now?”
I am not even going to start with the family. Tjooo! This is just too much. “She’s my sister, how do I just cut her off?”. If she can stab you in the back and repeatedly hurts you then she’s not much of a sister is she?
What am I saying in all this… well… if it’s time to move on… move on right along… leave the past where it belongs, in the past… behind you.
Most times than not, God removes something in order to make way for a new thing. It’s just that we don’t really trust Him to deliver. We want to see first and receive before we let go. Just like a child holding a cool drink in one hand and reaching out to receive a piece of cake with the other hand, knowing very well that he has to reach out with both hands open to receive. But because he is so nervous about putting his cool drink down; he would risk the opportunity to have a slice of cake to go with it. This is what we do. God promises a brighter future and yet we sit in the dark, waiting to see a glimpse of light before we leave the place we are at. We want to have a man harbouring around us whilst we are in these toxic relationships, even develop some feelings for this other dude before we take the decision to get out. We want to find new friends before letting go of old. People to hang out with; even make the other friend jealous by showing them that we have new friends that we’re spending time with. With families, we try hard to get the attention of other relatives in order to close a void of a person that is still in the picture. My question is… how do you put a filling inside a tooth with rotten food in? Can you imagine the damage? The infections that will come from there? The smell even? And not to mention the pain? So why do we do this? Why do we not remove toxic people from our lives? Why do we hold on even when we see that they are destroying us?
The only answer I can come up with is that they seem as the better and safer options… ironic, yes… but in the mind of a scared person, a lonely person and a broken person. The devil they know is better than the saint they don’t know…
Solution... There is the One who never fails. The One who gave up His life, laid it down for you and me to find joy, health, wealth, peace, love and all the good things that we need. He is constant and never changes. He is forgiving and loving and unselfish. He is faithful and trustworthy. I am talking about Jesus Christ. He died so that we don’t have to go through all these things. And anyone who is in Him is a new creation. With Him the old is out and the new is in. He is the King and knows how to treat us like Queens… He is the friend that sticks closer than a brother. He is the lover of our souls!!!
Stay blessed
P
My life... My story... My life is a story lived to make a difference, to touch and change a life worth living.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
True test of faith... keeping the faith
The true test of our faith is when we are going through hard times. As we attest to the power of God and his ability to save, heal, restore and provide. Are we finding it easy to do so when we are sick and hungry? When we are in need and when our world seems to be falling apart all around us? Can we attest to the deliverance of our Saviour when we are bound by the things of this world and things from our past? Can we really attest to the Omnipresence of our God when we feel all alone? Can we attest to his Omniscience when we are going through problems and just don’t have solutions? Faith is being confident in what we hope and assurance about what we do not see (Heb 11:1). True faith is in seeing with your eyes cancer and praising God for a clear mammogram result. It is seeing a regret letter of employment and praising God for a job. It is dealing with a rebellious child and praising God for a good and well behaving and prosperous child. It is looking at a divorce decree or a track record of failed relationships and praising God for a marriage that will be a ministry to him. It is seeing a report of infertility, age and all other factors contributing to barrenness and praising God twin boys who will be inheritors of your legacy.
When we go through difficult times, we pray and ask God for help; we ask and beg him to intervene knowing that with our might there’s nothing we can do. And during that time of prayer, we truly believe that God has heard our prayer and in no time, the answer will be evident… well until your child comes home late at night or has another relapse of drug abuse or does the very same thing you were praying to God to help you with. We pray to God for children, and we believe and we go through the process of conception and all… until we have our next period. We pray and believe our prayers are answered when we have asked for a job and we are called for interviews and before we even get home we get a phone call telling us that we were not successful. We pray and we believe God, we praise him with all we are when after a failed marriage, engagement or relationship we find a glimpse of hope of a God ordained relationship that will sure lead to marriage or a proposal even… Until a challenge comes and the strength and genuineness of the relationship is questioned. And then we start asking questions? Why God? Why? Why don’t you want me to be happy? Blah blah blah!
In all the above, we are only questioning God and his ability to deliver and be true to his promises for our lives. We question his faithfulness to the promises he made to us individually and personally. We question his truthfulness to his word. We may question the ability of the employers to see potential in us but really, God sees potential where there isn’t so it shouldn’t be an issue what they see or not. We may think that we are questioning our children’s ability to listen but we are truly questioning God’s ability to change and transform a person, his ability to deliver and his ability to raise a child which he created. We are questioning God every time we become discouraged when a prayer is not answered at the time we wish it would be. Every time we say that maybe God doesn’t want to change our situations, we are really saying that he can’t so we must just accept it.
Why should we really accept what God has not told us? Hasn’t he told us that he is the God who does the impossible (Matthew 17:20)? Who makes a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland (Isaiah 43:19)?
God has said that his word never returns to him without accomplishing that which he sent it to do. If he has promised it to you, it will sure come to pass. No matter what happens, or doesn’t happen… if he has said it then it shall be so. Believe even when there’s no evidence of change, even a glance of change but believe that God has already done it for you and you will be testifying about it soon.
God aint no liar and he’s not about to start with you.
Stay blessed and keep the faith.
P
When we go through difficult times, we pray and ask God for help; we ask and beg him to intervene knowing that with our might there’s nothing we can do. And during that time of prayer, we truly believe that God has heard our prayer and in no time, the answer will be evident… well until your child comes home late at night or has another relapse of drug abuse or does the very same thing you were praying to God to help you with. We pray to God for children, and we believe and we go through the process of conception and all… until we have our next period. We pray and believe our prayers are answered when we have asked for a job and we are called for interviews and before we even get home we get a phone call telling us that we were not successful. We pray and we believe God, we praise him with all we are when after a failed marriage, engagement or relationship we find a glimpse of hope of a God ordained relationship that will sure lead to marriage or a proposal even… Until a challenge comes and the strength and genuineness of the relationship is questioned. And then we start asking questions? Why God? Why? Why don’t you want me to be happy? Blah blah blah!
In all the above, we are only questioning God and his ability to deliver and be true to his promises for our lives. We question his faithfulness to the promises he made to us individually and personally. We question his truthfulness to his word. We may question the ability of the employers to see potential in us but really, God sees potential where there isn’t so it shouldn’t be an issue what they see or not. We may think that we are questioning our children’s ability to listen but we are truly questioning God’s ability to change and transform a person, his ability to deliver and his ability to raise a child which he created. We are questioning God every time we become discouraged when a prayer is not answered at the time we wish it would be. Every time we say that maybe God doesn’t want to change our situations, we are really saying that he can’t so we must just accept it.
Why should we really accept what God has not told us? Hasn’t he told us that he is the God who does the impossible (Matthew 17:20)? Who makes a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland (Isaiah 43:19)?
God has said that his word never returns to him without accomplishing that which he sent it to do. If he has promised it to you, it will sure come to pass. No matter what happens, or doesn’t happen… if he has said it then it shall be so. Believe even when there’s no evidence of change, even a glance of change but believe that God has already done it for you and you will be testifying about it soon.
God aint no liar and he’s not about to start with you.
Stay blessed and keep the faith.
P
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Woman, God has not forgotten you… Hold on to your faith
Woman, God has not forgotten you… Hold on to your faith
Isaiah 49:16 Behold, I have indelibly imprinted (tattooed a picture of) you on the palm of each of My hands; [O Zion] your walls are continually before Me.
Word
Exodus 14:13 Moses told the people, Fear not; stand still (firm, confident, undismayed) and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today. For the Egyptians you have seen today you shall never see again. 14 The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest.
Each and every one of us has that one person whom they know that will always be in their corner when things get tough, someone who always has their back when they face hard times. Do you know who’s yours? Do you know who sees you as that person? Let me ask you this, can you confidently stand and say that Jesus is in your corner? That He has your back? I’m sure most you answered yes and even managed to give some names. I’m sure you said yes and amen, Jesus is in my corner… But I want you to consider this…
It really sounds good, assuring and even comforting to know that you have someone in your corner, even more when you say you have Jesus in your corner. You really feel like you can conquer anything anytime. But what does God say? He says that he is FOR you (Romans 8:31), that he will fight FOR you. Now picture a boxing ring… the two opponents stand inside the ring and beat each other up like you won’t believe. The coach and assistant stand in the corner with water and towel so that when the boxer comes back, beaten up to a pulp; they wipe the sweat and blood from him and give him water to drink. They don’t fight for him but he takes his own punches and pain. But now, Jesus says… I will fight FOR you; I will stand in the ring for you and fight your fight. He’s not going to stand in the corner and cheer you and support you while you fight, but he will be in that fighting ring, fighting for you. You do the cheering through your praise and worship.
How many times have we found ourselves in situations where we really feel like we have fought the “good” fight and yet find no results? Be it unemployment, abusive marriage, loneliness and sickness. How many of us turn to bribing when we see that we have been waiting for houses with no “luck” so we end up paying whoever to make sure our names are on the lists? How many of us have turned to “connections” in exchange of some or other activity with the hope of finding a job? How many of us have been in and out of relationships because we are in some pursuit to find amabambo ethu (even women are looking for amabambo endingayazi ukuba kwakususwe ntoni kuye kwenziwa bani sele umntu elukhangela nje). How many of us have turned to traditional Dr’s trying to find healing from sickeness, attributing them to Ubuntu bethu forgetting that we acquired a new identity mhla samkela uYesu? How many of us have been trying to have babies but with no success, turn to adoption by accepting that we are just not meant to have children. We go through all these things knowing that he said he would provide for us (Psalm 132:15 I will surely and abundantly bless her provision). Now, I’m sure we can all identify to one or two situations from these and the answer is plain and simple, God takes time. Sometimes it feels like you’re all alone and that he is just watching you suffering, sometimes it even feels like he has left though he said that he will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). Today he’s reminding us that he has not forgotten us.
The bible tells us to pray without ceasing and in all things give thanks (1 Thessalonians 5:17)... I have been praying and praying and he is not giving me anything to thank him for cos he doesn’t give me what I ask for. Well… does this mean pray for the same thing over and over again? That’s like nagging isn’t it. Reading this scripture I pictured my five year old asking me for porridge for supper, she would say “mama ndicel’ipapa” five times in one minute. And what usually frustrates me is the fact that even though I have acknowledged her and responded that I will do it, she will continue and her tone of voice will even change and she will start crying even. Isn’t that what we do to God when we nag him about the same thing over and over again as though he said he wasn’t going to do it? Didn’t Jesus say that whatever we ask in His name we will get (John 14:13)? Didn’t he say when we pray believing that we have received what we pray for then it shall be ours (Mark 11:24)? So shouldn’t we then, pray, believe and receive by faith and give thanks before we hold it? Isn’t faith what pleases God and moves him? If you praise and thank him for something you have asked for before you can hold it in your hands, doesn’t that constitute great faith? Remember Daniel? God said to him that he had heard and answered his prayer on the first day he prayed. But the angel of blessing was wrestling with the angel of darkness until he defeated him. In the meantime Daniel still continued with his worship and praise. This tells me that praise disarms the enemy. Ask, believe, receive and give thanks…
Ok, let us say... You get a call from a friend telling you that they are taking in people at their work and that they’ve spoken to their boss and that chances of you being employed are pretty good. You thank them as though you have the job in your bag. You go there with such confidence that it’s already yours. Chances are, you will be disappointed right then or later… Now, why is having this attitude towards God so hard? Even with seeing that we have it in black and white but still but it’s still very difficult to believe that God has already given you what you have asked for. Faith in God pleases him (Hebrews 11:6)… it gets him excited and when he’s excited, rest assured that he will excite you. He will give you those “too good to be true experiences” that are so hard to believe. That experience you know that it is the very answer to the prayer you have prayed, but still you don’t believe it’s here. Hence I say, when it is too good to be to true then know that it’s from God because he is good and he only does good things, great things and when he does them, he does them abundantly more that you ask or even imagine.
Everything you ever need has already been provided for you, it has already been granted. All you need to do is believe that it is yours and thank God for it. It is not Pumza saying this but God, in his word.
I have fallen in love with the song by JC “Press towards the mark of the high calling”. God has called us for greatness, to have and do great things. Now, to me this means… Jesus is the mark for he is the High Priest; he has been given the name that is above all names, the name that all knees bow to… The bible says that Jesus is the Word! ... we are to press on him, we are to press on the word of God and we shall be that which he created us to be, we shall have all that we ask for in his name.
Isaiah 43:18 Do not [earnestly] remember the former things; neither consider the things of old. 19 Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
Forget all the disappointments; make a commitment to trust God and his word. Pray, believe and receive… give thanks to God for all that he is yet to bring forth in your life. Trust him and only him and you will see great exploits!
Happy Women’s Day and may God bless you
P
Isaiah 49:16 Behold, I have indelibly imprinted (tattooed a picture of) you on the palm of each of My hands; [O Zion] your walls are continually before Me.
Word
Exodus 14:13 Moses told the people, Fear not; stand still (firm, confident, undismayed) and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today. For the Egyptians you have seen today you shall never see again. 14 The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest.
Each and every one of us has that one person whom they know that will always be in their corner when things get tough, someone who always has their back when they face hard times. Do you know who’s yours? Do you know who sees you as that person? Let me ask you this, can you confidently stand and say that Jesus is in your corner? That He has your back? I’m sure most you answered yes and even managed to give some names. I’m sure you said yes and amen, Jesus is in my corner… But I want you to consider this…
It really sounds good, assuring and even comforting to know that you have someone in your corner, even more when you say you have Jesus in your corner. You really feel like you can conquer anything anytime. But what does God say? He says that he is FOR you (Romans 8:31), that he will fight FOR you. Now picture a boxing ring… the two opponents stand inside the ring and beat each other up like you won’t believe. The coach and assistant stand in the corner with water and towel so that when the boxer comes back, beaten up to a pulp; they wipe the sweat and blood from him and give him water to drink. They don’t fight for him but he takes his own punches and pain. But now, Jesus says… I will fight FOR you; I will stand in the ring for you and fight your fight. He’s not going to stand in the corner and cheer you and support you while you fight, but he will be in that fighting ring, fighting for you. You do the cheering through your praise and worship.
How many times have we found ourselves in situations where we really feel like we have fought the “good” fight and yet find no results? Be it unemployment, abusive marriage, loneliness and sickness. How many of us turn to bribing when we see that we have been waiting for houses with no “luck” so we end up paying whoever to make sure our names are on the lists? How many of us have turned to “connections” in exchange of some or other activity with the hope of finding a job? How many of us have been in and out of relationships because we are in some pursuit to find amabambo ethu (even women are looking for amabambo endingayazi ukuba kwakususwe ntoni kuye kwenziwa bani sele umntu elukhangela nje). How many of us have turned to traditional Dr’s trying to find healing from sickeness, attributing them to Ubuntu bethu forgetting that we acquired a new identity mhla samkela uYesu? How many of us have been trying to have babies but with no success, turn to adoption by accepting that we are just not meant to have children. We go through all these things knowing that he said he would provide for us (Psalm 132:15 I will surely and abundantly bless her provision). Now, I’m sure we can all identify to one or two situations from these and the answer is plain and simple, God takes time. Sometimes it feels like you’re all alone and that he is just watching you suffering, sometimes it even feels like he has left though he said that he will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). Today he’s reminding us that he has not forgotten us.
The bible tells us to pray without ceasing and in all things give thanks (1 Thessalonians 5:17)... I have been praying and praying and he is not giving me anything to thank him for cos he doesn’t give me what I ask for. Well… does this mean pray for the same thing over and over again? That’s like nagging isn’t it. Reading this scripture I pictured my five year old asking me for porridge for supper, she would say “mama ndicel’ipapa” five times in one minute. And what usually frustrates me is the fact that even though I have acknowledged her and responded that I will do it, she will continue and her tone of voice will even change and she will start crying even. Isn’t that what we do to God when we nag him about the same thing over and over again as though he said he wasn’t going to do it? Didn’t Jesus say that whatever we ask in His name we will get (John 14:13)? Didn’t he say when we pray believing that we have received what we pray for then it shall be ours (Mark 11:24)? So shouldn’t we then, pray, believe and receive by faith and give thanks before we hold it? Isn’t faith what pleases God and moves him? If you praise and thank him for something you have asked for before you can hold it in your hands, doesn’t that constitute great faith? Remember Daniel? God said to him that he had heard and answered his prayer on the first day he prayed. But the angel of blessing was wrestling with the angel of darkness until he defeated him. In the meantime Daniel still continued with his worship and praise. This tells me that praise disarms the enemy. Ask, believe, receive and give thanks…
Ok, let us say... You get a call from a friend telling you that they are taking in people at their work and that they’ve spoken to their boss and that chances of you being employed are pretty good. You thank them as though you have the job in your bag. You go there with such confidence that it’s already yours. Chances are, you will be disappointed right then or later… Now, why is having this attitude towards God so hard? Even with seeing that we have it in black and white but still but it’s still very difficult to believe that God has already given you what you have asked for. Faith in God pleases him (Hebrews 11:6)… it gets him excited and when he’s excited, rest assured that he will excite you. He will give you those “too good to be true experiences” that are so hard to believe. That experience you know that it is the very answer to the prayer you have prayed, but still you don’t believe it’s here. Hence I say, when it is too good to be to true then know that it’s from God because he is good and he only does good things, great things and when he does them, he does them abundantly more that you ask or even imagine.
Everything you ever need has already been provided for you, it has already been granted. All you need to do is believe that it is yours and thank God for it. It is not Pumza saying this but God, in his word.
I have fallen in love with the song by JC “Press towards the mark of the high calling”. God has called us for greatness, to have and do great things. Now, to me this means… Jesus is the mark for he is the High Priest; he has been given the name that is above all names, the name that all knees bow to… The bible says that Jesus is the Word! ... we are to press on him, we are to press on the word of God and we shall be that which he created us to be, we shall have all that we ask for in his name.
Isaiah 43:18 Do not [earnestly] remember the former things; neither consider the things of old. 19 Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
Forget all the disappointments; make a commitment to trust God and his word. Pray, believe and receive… give thanks to God for all that he is yet to bring forth in your life. Trust him and only him and you will see great exploits!
Happy Women’s Day and may God bless you
P
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Have you ever?... Well... God has not forgotten you
Do you ever get that feeling like God has forgotten you? Where you wonder why all these bad and painful things are happening to you? You sit and you look at your life and you can actually count in one hand the not so bad things and yet need your hands and feet and even borrow someone else’s in order to come close to the number of all your painful moments. Have you ever got to the place where you look around and you see almost every one of your friends sharing all the good stuff that’s happening in their lives and you wonder what it is that you could be doing wrong… why aren’t your prayers being answered, you wonder if God is even listening to you let alone answering. Have you ever been in a place where you feel like your life is just standing still, sometimes even taking a few steps back. You dream and have all these visions and yet you are unable to do anything about them, and you start asking God why he placed them in your heart in the first place if he’s gonna be the one to close doors for you to fulfil them… when you don’t get answers you just plain assume that well… maybe they were never from him in the first place.
Have you ever been in a place where you just feel all alone and you wonder if the people in your life are there because they pity you or because they truly cared, and if they did care for real… why in the world? Have you ever felt hopeless, useless and worthless, where you even ask yourself if it is all worth it, if Jesus is worth it? I mean, he’s there and yet all these things are happening to you so what’s the point. Have you ever got to that point where the only way out is that you be out… literally? And even dare God saying that if he wants you to live then he won’t allow you to succeed in taking your life? Have you ever been in a place where you find yourself accepting that good things and life are just not for you? Have you ever convinced yourself that maybe God wants you to be sick, that he wants you to lack and be miserable and you really fool yourself by saying it is God’s will and that it is well? And you even support these thoughts by finding all kinds of faults with yourself and believe that this is all punishment because you did this and that or didn’t do this and that?
I may not know your answers to these questions. But I can relate to the fact that while one goes through all these thoughts and emotions. Tears often stream down your face and you find yourself crying as if there’s not tomorrow. You utter the few words that you can manage to say, easiest being “WHY”. Most times than not it’s not followed by any words but just by a pain and a lengthy scream that just feels like your jaws are locked. You know the words you want to say in your heart but somehow you just cannot utter them. And you wonder if God sees what you want to say and if he does will the silent prayer be enough for him to move even an inch to your aid.
In the midst of the above, the questions, the crying and screaming and the hurt, have you ever pictured God’s hand on your shoulder, another one wiping your tears away. Have you ever heard his voice repeating every word that you’re crying in your heart and following with an “I know my child, and trust me”? Have you ever heard him remind you of his word, asking you “didn’t I?”? Have you ever had a conversation just like a child has with their parent who’s trying to comfort them and trying to get the story of the problem? Have you ever heard him say “didn’t I say I will never leave nor forsake you?” (Heb 13:5) when everybody you know seemed to be distant and you felt alone and you wondered if he was there? Have you ever heard him say “didn’t I say I have plans to prosper you and give you a hope and future and not to harm you?” (Jer 29:11) when you asked why things weren’t going well in your life, when you asked why you are hurting so? Have you ever heard him say “didn’t I say I took upon me your infirmities and took away your diseases?” (Mat 8:17) when you cried about being sick? Have you ever heard him say “didn’t I say I will return to you all that has been stolen from you?” Joel 2:25) when you cry about losing your job, loved one, house or anything that belonged to you?
Have you ever heard and felt God with you, in you and around you in the midst of your pain? Have you ever heard his comforting voice telling you that it will all be okay, just trust him and you feel an overwhelming peace within you? Have you ever heard him assure you time and time again that he is working all things together for your good (Romans 8:28), reminding you that nothing is impossible or too hard for him? (Mat 19:6). Has he ever reminded you of the power, authority, strength and ability he has placed in you for you to be more than a conqueror of any challenge you came across (Luke 10:19 & Rom 8:37)?
I have… in the midst of it all… the noise, the pain, the tears, the confusion and uncertainty… I have heard him say it will be okay. I have felt his arms around me and heard his voice telling me to trust him. I have heard him telling me over and over again just how much he loved me and just how much I meant to him. But what has stuck in my mind is when he said to me, “I have your name engraved in the palms of my hands (Isaiah 49:16), I will never forget you. I am with you through it all and I have enough love, strength and power to take you through it. Will you have faith and let go and let me be God?”
And so, I surrender all to him who knows all. To him who is able. To him who holds me as the apple of his eye (Psalm 17:8). Will you do the same and watch the deliverance of the Lord? Will you not be afraid of the vast army that you see now and only see by faith your God fighting and defeating the enemy for you? (Exo 14:3-14).
God loves you and he will never forget you :-)
Be blessed!
P
Have you ever been in a place where you just feel all alone and you wonder if the people in your life are there because they pity you or because they truly cared, and if they did care for real… why in the world? Have you ever felt hopeless, useless and worthless, where you even ask yourself if it is all worth it, if Jesus is worth it? I mean, he’s there and yet all these things are happening to you so what’s the point. Have you ever got to that point where the only way out is that you be out… literally? And even dare God saying that if he wants you to live then he won’t allow you to succeed in taking your life? Have you ever been in a place where you find yourself accepting that good things and life are just not for you? Have you ever convinced yourself that maybe God wants you to be sick, that he wants you to lack and be miserable and you really fool yourself by saying it is God’s will and that it is well? And you even support these thoughts by finding all kinds of faults with yourself and believe that this is all punishment because you did this and that or didn’t do this and that?
I may not know your answers to these questions. But I can relate to the fact that while one goes through all these thoughts and emotions. Tears often stream down your face and you find yourself crying as if there’s not tomorrow. You utter the few words that you can manage to say, easiest being “WHY”. Most times than not it’s not followed by any words but just by a pain and a lengthy scream that just feels like your jaws are locked. You know the words you want to say in your heart but somehow you just cannot utter them. And you wonder if God sees what you want to say and if he does will the silent prayer be enough for him to move even an inch to your aid.
In the midst of the above, the questions, the crying and screaming and the hurt, have you ever pictured God’s hand on your shoulder, another one wiping your tears away. Have you ever heard his voice repeating every word that you’re crying in your heart and following with an “I know my child, and trust me”? Have you ever heard him remind you of his word, asking you “didn’t I?”? Have you ever had a conversation just like a child has with their parent who’s trying to comfort them and trying to get the story of the problem? Have you ever heard him say “didn’t I say I will never leave nor forsake you?” (Heb 13:5) when everybody you know seemed to be distant and you felt alone and you wondered if he was there? Have you ever heard him say “didn’t I say I have plans to prosper you and give you a hope and future and not to harm you?” (Jer 29:11) when you asked why things weren’t going well in your life, when you asked why you are hurting so? Have you ever heard him say “didn’t I say I took upon me your infirmities and took away your diseases?” (Mat 8:17) when you cried about being sick? Have you ever heard him say “didn’t I say I will return to you all that has been stolen from you?” Joel 2:25) when you cry about losing your job, loved one, house or anything that belonged to you?
Have you ever heard and felt God with you, in you and around you in the midst of your pain? Have you ever heard his comforting voice telling you that it will all be okay, just trust him and you feel an overwhelming peace within you? Have you ever heard him assure you time and time again that he is working all things together for your good (Romans 8:28), reminding you that nothing is impossible or too hard for him? (Mat 19:6). Has he ever reminded you of the power, authority, strength and ability he has placed in you for you to be more than a conqueror of any challenge you came across (Luke 10:19 & Rom 8:37)?
I have… in the midst of it all… the noise, the pain, the tears, the confusion and uncertainty… I have heard him say it will be okay. I have felt his arms around me and heard his voice telling me to trust him. I have heard him telling me over and over again just how much he loved me and just how much I meant to him. But what has stuck in my mind is when he said to me, “I have your name engraved in the palms of my hands (Isaiah 49:16), I will never forget you. I am with you through it all and I have enough love, strength and power to take you through it. Will you have faith and let go and let me be God?”
And so, I surrender all to him who knows all. To him who is able. To him who holds me as the apple of his eye (Psalm 17:8). Will you do the same and watch the deliverance of the Lord? Will you not be afraid of the vast army that you see now and only see by faith your God fighting and defeating the enemy for you? (Exo 14:3-14).
God loves you and he will never forget you :-)
Be blessed!
P
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Today, 11 years ago...
On this day, eleven years ago I sat across my then Gynecologist as he shared the results of my HIV test which he took and precaution for my pregnancy. The result was a Positive, marked by a plus sign which was circled in red...
Honestly, today has just been one somehow challenging to even depressing day for me. It could be because of everything that has happened especially in the last 12 months. I'm just reflecting on all these years and for once in a very long time... I have no words to describe what is happening inside of me, in my mind, heart, body and soul.
One thing I am sure of though is that God has been great. Through these years He has kept me and for that I will live my life glorifying and blessing and lifting up His holy name...
It has been 11 years and I am still standing and going strong. No treatment, no illness. I am going from strength to strength because of the Mighty Blood of my Jesus Christ.
Hold on and hold out. Our God is the God who heals and takes away all our diseases...
Stay blessed!!!
P
Honestly, today has just been one somehow challenging to even depressing day for me. It could be because of everything that has happened especially in the last 12 months. I'm just reflecting on all these years and for once in a very long time... I have no words to describe what is happening inside of me, in my mind, heart, body and soul.
One thing I am sure of though is that God has been great. Through these years He has kept me and for that I will live my life glorifying and blessing and lifting up His holy name...
It has been 11 years and I am still standing and going strong. No treatment, no illness. I am going from strength to strength because of the Mighty Blood of my Jesus Christ.
Hold on and hold out. Our God is the God who heals and takes away all our diseases...
Stay blessed!!!
P
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
It is harder the second time around
It was on this day, in 2011, that I received the news that I was HIV NEGATIVE. Now this is after having lived with the virus since 2001. I was diagnosed with HIV on 20 March 2001, and almost 10 years later... there I was, HIV negative. Now, if that was not enough to send anyone screaming for joy, crying and shaking all over, I don't know what would. If that was not a testimony worth sharing with the world through every medium possible, I don't know what is.
I was excited and overjoyed. Nothing in this world could even begin to describe how happy I was. Don't get me wrong, I was content with my HIV status. It never really bothered me. I lived a very positive life. One would never have guessed that I was HIV positive *aint that the case with most of us :-)*. I was a giver of hope to some, to some I was a role model of some sort. Some called me their heroin. God was great to me; I was the perfect example of what the love of God can do for a person. I was the perfect example that once you receive Christ as your Lord and Saviour, the grace of God abounds upon you and you just can't escape it.
The year 2011 has been a year of great things for me. It’s a year where I broke through some of the stagnant areas of my life. This is the year when my writing talent came to being. God sent me helpers like you won't believe. Everything just came and fell into place. And these news, the news of being healed of HIV topped everything. In fact, everything came because of these news. I started writing and doing some motivational talks. I started chasing dreams that I wouldn't have dared chase otherwise. I became bolder and braver and I believe this was due to my increased faith in God. The sad part of this though is that, I had to see with my own two eyes… I had to see something tangible for me to have such increased faith and not only believe but also act on it. Hebrews 11:1 says "1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." I knew this and yet I still wanted to see :-(. I hoped for my healing but I wanted to see it... Ja neh!
Just like all Christians who have one illness or another, praying and trusting God for healing is inevitable because He has promised us healing. So I too, had been praying to be healed because hey… I did and still do serve the God who does the impossible. So on the 17 February 2011, I had just received my routine HIV test results which came back “beautiful” as one of my Doctors would say. My CD4 count was 691 and my viral load was less than 40 copies of the virus/ml of blood. This was really excellent for someone who has been living with HIV for almost 10 years without treatment nogal. This led me to writing a note on my Facebook declaring that I was “HEALED TO BLESS”. To me, this meant that although the virus was still detected in my body I believed that I had been healed because of the non-progression of HIV in my blood. Despite not being a healthy person, not taking HIV treatment, numerous suicide attempts, depression and anything you could think of that would lower one's immune system and therefore cause the virus to take over... Mine remained constant... Viral load at the lowest and CD4 count high. To me, this constituted healing. See my Facebook note dated 17 February 2011.
When I prayed for healing, God never revealed how He would heal me. His word kept assuring me that I was healed. When the revelation came to me on the 17 Feb 2011, it was enough for me. I was content with it, I understood it and I accepted it, hence I published the note. I understood that God's ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than mine. I understood that His miracles cannot be explained. And noone could explain why the slow to non progression of the HIV in my blood. But because as people, as human beings made of flesh and blood we are never satisfied. We ask and we receive, but we are never really satisfied.
And I too, I am flesh and blood. And yes, when more is offered I sure go for it. Do I think of what God had said to me... Not really because in my mind, the better can only come from Him... Or that could be what I wanted to believe. On the day I published my note on Facebook, I was attracted by a response that declared a negative result the next time I tested for HIV. Now who wouldn't want to be HIV negative after living with the HIV for almost 10 years. If you have been following me you will ask me, "but Pumza I thought you said you were healed of HIV though the virus could still be detected in your blood". And my answer will be yes I did, until a human being promised me better, better than what God had promised and given me.
So on the 18 Feb 2011 I went for another HIV test as the Doctor had ordered. The test that was done was the HIV Qualitative PCR DNA. I waited in anticipation hoping for the best, hoping that I will hold an HIV negative result in my hands. The days went by, I waited and on the mid morning of the 22 Feb 2011 I received a phone call from my Doctor. And Lo and Behold, the test came back negative. It was something to praise God for. I testified and I talked and I shared. I just couldn't keep my mouth shut *not that I could anyway :-)*.
This began a new journey of my life. I saw myself in a whole new light. I started writing and sharing. I started making better and bigger plans for my future. I was a new person, a better person, a healed person. I went on with my life, made bold and brave decisions. I lived an HIV free life which meant no more immune boosters and vitamin pills *pheew*. No more being paranoid whenever I saw my blood. It meant no more worrying about disclosing an HIV status to people who wanted to get close to me. This meant freedom for me. And it felt great!
On the 29 Dec 2011, I went to see my previous Doctor for flu. I had not shared with him my HIV negative results so when he asked how I was, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to do so. Off course, the man was shocked. He down right couldn't believe it. In actual fact he told me straight out that "there's no such, you're HIV positive". So I told him to call for the test results which he did. In the meantime he ran an HIV Rapid Elisa test on me (finger prick test). The first one he did was positive. He looked at me with that "I told you so look". I looked at him and I was like "yinton?" And he said "akuboni wena, I told you you're positive". I didn't believe it so whilst I was still astonished, he did another one. And yep... You guessed it, it was positive too. Now I was ready to scream but then I remembered that I had seen my HIV negative result so these two rapid tests had it all wrong. So he drew blood to send to the lab and told me to come back after two weeks. Part of me still believed I was negative. I mean a whole year? If I was positive all this time surely something should have happened by now. I mean I had not been taking any immune boosters which meant that the HIV would have had a party of a lifetime in my body. So no, it just couldn't be.
I eventually went to get my results on the 6 Feb 2012. And yep! They confirmed that I was indeed HIV positive. So I started asking the how's and what not's. And all my Doctor could say was that I told you that you couldn't have been. So I asked him to explain the negative result to me. I mean it was there so how did it happen? He informed me that the test that had been done on me was only meant for infants less than 18 months to check if they have not been infected by their mothers. He further said that this test was very unreliable on adults and was bound to throw a false negative result. It was just unbelievable to me and to be honest it stung a bit. I left the Doctor's rooms with a friend of mine and we tried to find the why's and what not's but couldn't find answers.
Now, the funny thing about all this is that the first time I heard the news that I was HIV positive was moss in 2001 and then, I took them very very well (see article on my blog http://pumzamooi.blogspot.com/ ). I didn't really have the why and how questions because I knew that I was sexually active and I knew that I had been unsafe at some point so really it would have been a performance on my side to start asking such questions. So life had to go on and it went on well and all things were good. But for some reason, this time was kinda tough. It was hard, hurting, angering. It really pierced through my heart so deep that I really didn't know how to handle it. Here I was, from HIV negative to positive with no real explanation? I mean come on? Why? Was I being punished? Was it some sick joke? Was it a mistake? Why on my life? Why the risk with my life? What was I to do? Who do I tell? Yhooo! My mother, how do I tell her? The people I've testified to, their faith, won't it be shaken? Why me, why me, why me? And guess what... I did not have the answers. So I started looking for answers. On the 7 Feb 2012 I went to another Doctor of mine *yeah, I know I have a lot of Dr's* who confirmed that the HIV Qualitative PCR DNA test could not be done on adults but on infants 18 months and less. She reminded me that when I had to test my little girl at 30 months we did the HIV Elisa test because the Qualitative PCR DNA would not have given accurate results. Before leaving her she took my blood for the routine HIV viral load test and CD4 count to check how much damage has taken place in the past 12 months. Now, I had a cough that had been going on for over a month so it became obvious to do a TB test as well. So we did. The next day I e-mailed my ooooold Dr *hides*. He's the one who's been monitoring my HIV since 2003 but had left the medicine field. He also confirmed what the other two Doctors have stated (i.e that the HIV Qualitative PCR DNA test could not be done on adults). So, that closed that investigation for me... Well kinda cos I still went and searched the internet and yes, its a test to be done on infants under 18 months.
Test Summary
HIV-1 DNA, Qualitative PCR
Clinical Use
Detect HIV-1 infection in infants up to 18 months of age
Clinical Background
The qualitative HIV-1 DNA test detects the presence of the human immune deficiency proviral DNA, a form of the HIV-1 genome produced by the integration of viral DNA into host cell DNA. Qualitative HIV-1 DNA analysis can aid in early detection of HIV-1 in infants born to HIV-1-infected mothers. Maternal antibodies may persist for the first 18 months of life, confounding diagnosis in the infant; however, maternal antibodies do not interfere in the HIV-1 DNA test. This assay may also detect HIV-1 in patients with acute infection prior to seroconversion (antibody formation), as well as in patients with agammaglobulinemia. It is recommended that positive results be confirmed on two separate blood samples with one or a combination of virus-specific tests.
ELISA and Western blot remain the primary tools for HIV-1 diagnosis. The qualitative DNA PCR assay is advisable only for the situations described above.
Individuals Suitable for Testing
Infants 18 months of age or less, born to HIV-1 infected mothers
(ref:http://www.questdiagnostics.com/hcp/intguide/jsp/showintguidepage.jsp?fn=TS_HIV1_DNA_QualPCR.htm )
So, all was confirmed. I had received a false HIV-negative result on 22 February 2011.
So the anger started kicking in, I cussed out, I cursed, I cried and I asked questions. I wanted to die, I really came to a point where I saw no point in living. I mean, I had been living a lie for a year. What else was a lie? My testimony? My writing? My dreams? My life? My purpose? What has been happening in the past 12 months? Who was I in the past 12 months? For goodness' sake I had started writing two books. I have people writing articles about me and my healing. I am referred to as the daughter of faith and an example of faith is made by me. All that? A lie? Daaaaayyyyyyymn! What else really?
On the 09 Feb 2012 I received a call from my Dr to go and get my results. Glory be to my God, my CD4 count had actually went up from last year's January. Jan 2011 it was 691 and Feb 2012 it was 767. If that's not God taking care of His own I don't know what is. As much as the virus had "free reign" on my immune system, it did not affect it instead my immune system became stronger. She also gave me the great news that I was TB free :-). Unfortunately, she didn't have my viral load results so I had to wait in fear of not knowing how much this virus has grown and progressed in my body. I had a dream that my viral load was over 600000/ml of blood. Lord, did I get up and cancel that dream. HIV has never ever scared me this way. On 20 Feb 2012 I was informed that my viral load results are in. I went to those rooms and part of my heart I was saying, "as long as its not 600000 that I saw in my dreams" another part was saying, "I hope its undetectable, its still possible". My turn came and I went in. Now my Doctor is a very friendly lady. We started talking about Whitney Houston's funeral and all. And I thought to myself "Sisi! You're stalling and I wonder why". I told her about the dream and she just laaaughed. She took out the last results she had and compared with these. Yeah... There they were, viral load sitting at 247/ml of blood. Is my God great or is my God great?
Allow me to make you understand my excitement.
Progression of HIV and its effect to the CD4 counts over the years (ref: http://uhavax.hartford.edu/bugl/images/HIV-graph.jpg )
With HIV, one cannot afford not to take some form of immune booster. A weak immune system becomes vulnerable to the virus and it finds it easy to attack and multiply in one's blood stream. This causes the progression of the disease which eventually leads to AIDS. During the past year, my immune system was at risk as it was not fed and boosted everyday. This gave the virus lee way to do as it pleased in my body, but even though it had the chance it didn't. I still have no words to describe all this and I am still at awe at how God has once again saved my life.
2 Corinthians 12 7(b) Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited; I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Just like Paul, HIV may be the thorn in my flesh to keep me from being proud. You see, when I looked around and saw people dying around me, depressed because of HIV and though I knew that God is the One who has kept me from the destruction of this virus. A part of me believed that Pumza was doing something right, something that somehow others weren't doing. I may have even seen myself as stronger and wiser than some. And this past year has done more than proving to me that I actually had nothing to do with how my life with HIV has been and still going to be. It was and always will be about and because of the grace of God. After no participation from me to ensure a stronger immune system, positive attitude towards the virus and lower viral load... I am still standing... Stronger... Not because of my doing but because Christ in me is strong...
So, you may ask... Do I still maintain that I am healed of HIV? Yes I do... Do I still maintain that I am an HIV conqueror? Yes I do and yes I am... HIV has tried to have but has failed many times. I'm stronger and wiser. I may have many answered questions but this one thing I'm sure of that I am chosen for such a time like this. This is my journey. It has always been. Though I have tried to derail from it... It is mine and I shall walk it with the strength and determination that my God had imparted in me many years ago.
As I write this article which was just not easy for me to do. I am strengthened by music from Bebe Winans, "Through it all I've learned to trust in Jesus", Yolanda Adams, "Fragile heart" and Kirk Franklin, "Imagine me".
Through all of this I am learning to trust God more. To trust what He has said and to trust that He is the only One who knows my life, my destiny. He said that His plans are to prosper me and to give me a hope and a future and not to harm me. I have learned that He does and always will do things His own way and that as long as I can still comprehend it, then it is not of Him, for His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than mine. Who can really know the mind of God? I have come to realise that I can never... In my trusting Him I have surrendered my life, my mind, my being and my heart to Him. He is the Only one with the ability to heal and fix my broken heart, to restore hope and peace within me. And as I do that, as I trust and surrender to Him... I imagine myself beyond the trial, beyond the pain, the confusion, and the questions. I imagine myself at peace and filled with joy and zeal once again. I imagine myself the best Pumza I can be, the best Pumza God has created me to be. I am still and will always be the most blessed and honoured of God's children... yeah, yeah, yeah... I know ndiyazifonela :-)
So where to from here... Well...
I am Pumza Mooi and I test positive for HIV. I am healed and I am blessed. And my life, I will continue to live to make a difference just as God intended.
Peace and blessings!!!
P
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